


For Your Eyes Only

by ThisBeautifulChaos



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen, sidemen - Fandom
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bruising, Hatred, Hickeys, Josh Bradley - Freeform, Love, Lust, M/M, Miniminter - Freeform, Partying, Sexual Assault, Simon Minter - Freeform, University, Zerkaa - Freeform, minizerk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-28
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2019-01-06 08:57:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12207999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisBeautifulChaos/pseuds/ThisBeautifulChaos
Summary: Simon wants nothing more than to pull Josh in again and smell and touch him. He wants to close his eyes and let Josh’s hands roam his body. But he can’t, because he is afraid of what Josh will see.One chapter broken into 14 parts.Song: If I Could Fly by One Direction





	For Your Eyes Only

**Author's Note:**

> Hello :) Another story for you all.  
> Warning, this one deals with a lot of physical and emotional abuse, just to let you all know :)  
> This is a work of fiction and does not reflect any real events.  
> 
> 
> This work is mine, if you wish to repost it, please let me know and give me credit 
> 
> I also apologize for any spelling mistakes or typos, but without furthur ado, enjoy :)

 

                                                

 

 

**I: Accepting rides from strangers.**

 

Simon Minter sits and stares out the passenger window and tries not to be sick. 

 

He tries to ignore the six alcoholic beverages he had ingested 3 hours before hand, he also tries to ignore the pounding in his chest telling him to go home and sleep, but most importantly he tries to ignore the warm hand pressed against his thigh. When he looks down at the strong, firm grip, a wave of nausea passes through him once more. He may be sick in the car, right here, right now. Fuck.

 

He closes his eyes and pictures a big glass of water waiting for him at his flat to clear his dry and scratchy throat. He doesn’t know how he has ended up in this strangers car, he never does. But he knows this night is going to end the same as all the others. He will be used and thrown away, like he has been his whole life. Just like his mothers boyfriend said he would.

 

The car makes a sharp stop as Simon flings forward, his seatbelt tightening around his neck. He lets out a dry cough and curses.

 

“You okay?” 

 

Simon nods meekly, already forgetting the driver’s name. Bill, was it? Wait, no, it was Phil… it was definitely Phil. 

 

“We’re almost home.” Bill says. _Goddammit Simon, it’s Phil, remember?_

 

Simon nods once more, the word home leaving a sour taste in his mouth. It doesn’t matter where he goes, nothing will feel like home. He brings a hand up to rub his throbbing head and tries to remember why he agreed to leave with this guy. He looks over and takes him in again, knowing he will curse himself when he’s sober. Tall, Greying, Rolex. Ah yes, the Rolex. Simon lets out a laugh that Phil takes as a compliment.

 

“Don’t think I don’t see you eyeing me over there, handsome.” Phil says. Another wave of nausea hits and Simon swallows hard, focusing on what he is here to do; on what he has tried to do over and over with no luck, but tonight, however, he’s feeling particularly lucky, and it’s not just the fact he’s speeding down the road in a Corvette. 

 

Simon sends the older man a smile and shakes his head, “I was eyeing your watch.” He says, the alcohol taking over his speech. 

 

He raises his eyes at Simon and laughs. Before Simon has a chance to respond, Phil is slipping the watch off his thick wrist and handing it over to Simon.

 

“Here, keep it. I’ve got three more at home,” He says, sending him a wink. He looks down at the watch in shock. It could cover years of rent. He feels Phil’s eyes on him as he keeps staring down at the shiny silver in his hands. He can’t help it. It’s gorgeous.

 

“Seriously?” Simon asks, slipping the watch on his wrist and admiring it from afar, it was only slightly loose. 

 

“Of course I’m serious.” The man says, rubbing his upper arm with his thumb, Simon ignores the intimate caress, he is still dumfounded by the eight thousand dollar piece of jewelry on his arm. 

 

“My house is just through this gate.” Phil says after they've gone up a winding road that linked to a gated community. He pushes a few buttons and suddenly they are pulling up to the “house”, which is a term that should be used loosely because this wasn’t just a house, it was a fucking mansion. Simon’s jaw drops in disbelief and knew tonight was the night everything was going to change. 

 

**II: Making deals with the devil.**

 

“What the hell do you do?” Simon asks letting his eyes take in the high ceilings and marbled floor. He vaguely remembers the mention of stocks, but that was only three drinks in. 

 

Phil just laughs and walks over to the huge bar in the corner of the room next to the grand piano.

 

“Drink?” He asks, pouring a glass with scotch, then adding two ice cubes. Simon shakes his head.

 

“If I drink anymore I’m afraid I won’t be able to perform to the best of my abilities.”

 

Phil raises his eyebrows at this and walks over, forgetting about his scotch. He stops in front of Simon and for a second his eyes go dark and Simon wonders if he’s made a mistake.

 

_I told you so,_ his mothers voice rings in his head, _stupid boy._

 

Suddenly a hand is on his neck, then his shoulders, and his chest. He closes his eyes and tries to feel pleasure. He has to, this has to work. 

 

“Slower,” Simon states, knowing that most of the guys like when he takes control. Immediately the hands stop roaming him.

 

“Why don’t we go over to the couch.” Phil suggests, walking over and grabbing his scotch. Simon nods, wiping his sweaty palms on the back of his jeans when the older man wasn’t looking. He follows him into a room with a long L shaped couch and flat screen TV. Simon takes this room in with amazement as well.

 

“The wife decorates,” Phil states as he sits down, setting his glass on the arm of the couch, his eyes following Simon as he takes a place in front of the man. He swallows as a warm hand grabs at his shirt and runs its fingers along the hem. 

 

“Do you like that?” He asks, voice deep as his hands slowly move lower and lower, swiftly brushing his bum before moving back and pushing up his shirt some. He looks at the younger boy before resting his hands on the flesh of Simon's hip bones. 

 

“Ye-yes.” Simon barely chokes out. His grip is tight, almost painful. Then they are off him again, this time moving lower towards his trousers, he grips the button and slowly slides down the zipper.

 

“Wait.” He says, pulling away. Phil sighs and sits up.

 

“What?” He asks annoyed. 

 

“How much?” Simon bites his lip and waits for a reply. 

 

“What are you talking about?” The man asks. 

 

Simon clears his throat and stands up straighter, “I said, how much.” 

 

_Please don’t let my voice be as shaky as it sounds._

 

“You want money?” Phil asks incredulously. Simon looks at him blankly. Did this man think Simon was going to have sex with him because he wanted to?

 

“Yes, why else would I be here?” He asks, trying to get his nerves under control. This is either going to go well or he is going to be murdered and buried in the backyard next to the 30 foot pool and mahogany gazebo. 

 

Phil looks around the room for a moment, “How much do you want?" He asks, throwing Simon off guard. They never pay.

 

“What?” He asks, not registering the fact that Phil actually is considering the deal. 

 

Phil, now, is the one to look confused. “I said how much.”

 

“Uh, twenty thousand.” Simon replies shakily. 

 

Phil lets out a laugh, “Now what does a young man like you need twenty thousand pounds for?” 

 

“University.” He says after a moment of silence. It’s all he has ever wanted, to prove he was good enough.

 

“What university?” He asks, intrigued. 

 

“Cambridge.” 

 

The man’s eyebrows shoot up and his eyes go from Simon's chest to his face, his eyes are blank and searching. “My step-son goes there, that’s a really good school.”

 

Anger fills Simon for a moment, “What? Are you surprised a boy like me got into a school like that.”

 

“I never said that.” He smiles, running a finger along Simon’s cheek bone, “Beauty and brains.” He whispers.

 

“I’ll make some phone calls. Would you like that?” Phil asks a moment later, as he slowly unbuttons the top button of Simon’s trousers, making a soft noise as he looks back up at Simon’s wandering blue eyes. 

 

He stands in shock for a moment before stuttering out an answer, “Ye-yes.” 

 

The older man laughs and continues undoing his trousers until they are all the way unbuttoned and sagging slightly on Simon’s thin frame.

 

“There is one condition.” He murmurs as he pulls Simon in closer and starts kissing his tummy, sliding his tongue inside the younger boys belly button slowly.

 

“Yeah, what’s that?” Simon tries to ask seductively, knowing if he acts like this he might be able to actually get what he wants this time: An education. 

 

He wants to go to university and get a degree is psychology. He wants to be a professor or something smart like that, there’s just one problem. He hasn’t got a penny to his name. 

 

Simon lives in a small flat with his friend Lewis and can barely pay the rent. Lewis is kind, though, and lends Simon the money when he needs it. Lewis tells him he can pay him back when he’s a uni professor one day. 

 

He has a waiter job at a small restaurant called Ivory Grill. He meets a lot of nice guys there, but sadly none of them are wearing dress shoes and talking about sales. His boss, Katie, treats Simon like a son, considering he hasn't really got a mother, not since she kicked him out of the house two years ago. It was Simon’s fault he knew. He was showing up drunk and stoned and smelling of strange men with a taste in 17 year olds. His mum’s boyfriend, Hank despised him, often telling him he was worthless and uneducated and that he is going to be stuck at the Grill for the rest of his life, drowning his sadness in cheap booze and overweight perverts. Lewis knows all of this, and for some reason he still sticks around.

 

“You have to see me again.” The man says, sliding off Simon’s shirt and poking at his soft flesh. “If I pay for your college, you become mine, anytime I want.” At this point Simon’s trousers are completely off.

 

He closes his eyes and allows Phil to roam his body, to touch him and become familiar. After a moment Simon is growing hard.

 

“You want to buy me?” Simon whispers breathlessly a moment later when he allows himself to give in. It wasn’t like he was being forced into hard labor, sex was fun and enjoyable. This was a win-win. He moans softly then, allowing the man to slide his briefs down along his ankles, exposing all of Simon.

 

“Yes…” Phil says, running his thumb along Simon’s lower lip. “Now, do we have a deal?” He kisses Simon, his tongue pushing against his teeth. He opens his mouth and the older man enters, licking along his bottom lip and roaming every inch of Simon’s body with his hands.

 

“Yes.” Simon moans when Phil ends the kiss for a moment to breathe.

 

He smiles and bites into Simon’s neck, tongue sliding down his collar bones. “Good, you’re mine now.”  

 

Simon winces as Phil bites him a little too forcefully. He hopes the hickeys won't be too noticeable the next day. For right now though, he ignores the slight pain on his neck and instead focuses on how good it will feel to get into uni. 

 

**III: Mine.**

 

Phil is finished with Simon; together they lean against the headboard of his king sized bed, which is a complete mess. The white sheet that was once tucked so nicely into the frame is now rooted up, halfway off, surrounded by blankets covered in dried cum. What little clothes they had on to begin with are thrown about the room. He wasn’t that bad, to be honest. Sure, he was a little rough and had made Simon yelp in pain a couple of times, but it wasn’t horrible. If he was going to be bought then he was lucky it was someone like Phil; someone who cared.

 

Simon watches as Phil leans into the bedside table and pulls out a back of Marlboros. He lights one up and turns to Simon, offering him the cigarette. Though it wasn’t usually his thing, he leans over and allows himself to take a drag. He tries not to cough as the rough smoke hits the back of his throat. He pushes through it and exhales, a perfect trail of smoke rises towards the ceiling. 

 

Simon leans away from him when Phil touches his thigh lightly with his thumb. Simon new he was going to try for round two, but he doesn’t think he can handle it. He could already feel the slight bruises forming on his hips from where Phil pushed him down into the mattress. 

 

“If I knew you were going to hand out money, I would’ve pushed for Harvard.” Simon tried to joke the obvious look of discomfort was easily written on his face. Now that it was over and the night was ending and his blood no longer seeped with alcohol he felt embarrassed and ashamed. He had tried this sort of thing before; many times before, and it had never gone anywhere. Now that it has, Simon is officially a prostitute. The thought makes his mouth go sour. He just needs to get up, go home and take a shower.

 

“What are you planning on studying?” He asks. 

 

“Psychology.” Simon replies tensely, not looking at him. He was waiting for Phil to tell him he wasn’t going to make it, tell him that he was stupid. 

 

“That’s cute.” Phil says, taking another drag of his cigarette. Simon feels a pinch in his chest.

 

“Cute?” He says softly under his breath, a small scoff escaping. 

 

Phil looks over at him, “Yes, cute. Just like you.” He smirks and leans over, giving Simon a wet kiss on his forehead, much like his nan used to do when he was younger. He swallows and pushes himself up and swings his long legs over the side of the bed. He reaches down grabbing what of his clothes he sees. He wants to leave. Now. He feels Phil’s presence behind him. 

 

“You’re leaving?”  Phil whispers into his ear, his breath smelling of nicotine. 

 

“You think my major is cute.” Simon says, shaking his head. What did Phil think he was going to major in? Rocket science.

He thinks he’s big shit because he wears Armani suits. A slight touch of anger ignites in Simon. He goes to stand up when Phil grabs his wrist, pulling him back down on the soft mattress. 

 

“Hey, what did I do?” Phil asks him, slipping his arm around Simon’s waist.

 

Simon looks at him, “I just don’t know how cute my major will be when I succeed and this whole thing ends.” Simon says, his eyes innocent and wide. 

 

Phil is silent as he swallows hard, his adams apple bouncing up and down once. “You’ll still need me.” 

 

Simon just shakes his head. “This deal,” He motions between the two of them, “That’s all it is. Not love, or.. whatever you think it might be.” 

 

“You’re going to need me forever.” Phil says, his eyes flashing as he grabs onto Simon’s hand. He pushes him off. 

 

“No.” Simon says, moving away from him.

 

“Listen Simon.” Phil says, “If you want me to pay for your education, you have to follow the deal,” He softly grabs Simon’s face and turns it to face him. “You. Are. Mine. Whenever, anytime I call, any day of the week, yeah? That’s all I ask.”

 

“Forever?” Simon asks incredulously. 

 

“Maybe.” Phil shrugs and pushes himself off the mattress, a new sight flashing across his eyes: emptiness.  “Now, you need to leave, my wife and kids will be home soon and I need to call my maid to clean this mess we made.” He winks at Simon. “Now go, I’ll call you later.”

 

Simon sits there in silence for a moment, he has a bad feeling about this. His, forever? 

 

“Simon.” Phil says walking over to him. He grabs Simon’s arm and hoists him up.

 

“Go.” He says, “Now.” 

 

Simon gathers the rest of his clothes and puts them on quickly. He makes his way out of Phil’s beautiful home and starts walking. It isn’t long before he starts to see the similar shitty streets that is his life. 

 

**IV: I couldn’t feel a thing.**

 

Simon yawns as he opens the door to his small flat; the flat he shares with Lewis. He walks in and sets his stuff down on the coffee table and walks directly into the bathroom, desperately feeling the need to shower and wipe away everything that has just happened. He strips off his clothes and turns on the faucet when the door opens and Lewis comes walking in, yawning, hair tousled from sleep. 

 

“Jesus, fuck!” He shouts when he sees Simon standing naked near the tub. Simon jumps as well.

 

“What Lewis?” He asks angrily.

 

“You scared the living shit out of me. You’re never up at 6 in the morning.” He grumbles, scratching his left bicep. 

 

“I uh, just got home actually.” Simon bites his lip.

 

“Why am I not surprised?” Lewis laughs but then pauses as his face turns into a grimace of disgust as his eyes trail down his torso. 

 

Instantly, Simon turns red and hunches over, trying to hide his body from Lewis’s eyes.

 

“What?” He asks insecurely. Lewis just keeps looking at him, until his eyes go back to his face.

 

“What happened to you, Simon?” He asks incredulously, his mouth almost hanging open. “Did you get into a fight?”

 

Confusion takes over Simon. _What was Lewis on about?_

 

“What?” He asks, walking over to the mirror without waiting for an answer from Lewis. Simon then sees what Lewis is freaking out about. His hips and his thighs, lined in black and purple, a long patch that continues along his collar bones, chest, and neck. It really does look like he’s been beaten.

 

“What the fuck?” Simon mumbles. He continues looking at his body, unable to believe what he is seeing. 

 

“He wasn’t even..” Simon swallows hard, “He wasn’t even doing it that hard, how did I not feel this?”

 

He lightly brushes along one of the bruises along his hip, he winces in pain.

 

“Who the fuck did you go home with last night, Simon?” Lewis asks, anger in his voice, “Why did you let him do this?"

 

“I… I-“ Simon stutters, trying to find any explanation to why he was bruised so badly. “I didn’t know he was this rough.” He feels tears stinging in his eyes and he slinks down onto the toilet seat. 

 

Lewis is quiet, looking Simon up and down as if he was trying to figure out what to do next. 

 

“Listen,” He says after a while, “Take a shower, breathe. I’ll make you a cup of tea and we can talk about it, yeah?” Lewis suggests. 

 

Simon nods slowly and pushes himself up. Lewis exits the bathroom, closing the door lightly behind him. 

 

Simon takes his time washing, slowly sliding the soap over his body, being careful not to push too hard. When he gets out, he quickly dries and dresses himself, throwing on a pair of loose sweatpants. He walks into the living room and Lewis is sitting on the couch flipping through the television. Simon spots his tea and takes a seat next to Lewis. 

 

They are quite for a while, just watching some cartoon until Simon’s phone rings. He swallows and reads the name. Phil. Simon pauses and Lewis notices, sending him a small glance. Simon hits ignore call.

 

“Aren’t you gonna get that?” Lewis asks, keeping his eyes strained on the t.v. 

 

“Nah, its no one.” Simon mumbles. A second later his phone rings again. 

 

Suddenly the tv is off and Lewis is turning to face Simon on their small tan couch.

 

“Si. You have to tell me what happened last night, okay?”  

 

Simon just shakes his head and avoids the pair of worried eyes on him, “I told you nothing.” He mumbles as he watches steam slowly rise from his mug up to the ceiling. 

 

Lewis sighs and nods, “Okay, you don’t have to tell me anything but if you’re in danger or anything—“

 

“I’m not in danger,” Simon interrupts, “I just…” He trails off and sighs loudly, closing his eyes. “I may have found a way into Cambridge though.” 

 

“University?” Lewis asks, “What does that have to do with your bruises?”

 

Simon then turns to him, “You can’t tell anybody, okay?” 

 

“I swear.”

 

“I met a guy last night and he had money. I’m talking Rolex, expensive suit, all of it. He offered to buy me a drink and I ended up going home with him. I told him I’d continue to sleep with him if he payed for uni.” 

 

“Are you stupid?” Lewis whispers at him as if someone is listening. 

 

“See, this is why I didn’t want to tell you!” Simon gets up and walks into the kitchen, Lewis follows. 

 

“So you’re an escort now, are you?”

 

“No, I’m not an escort this is a one-time thing I swear.”

 

Lewis continues to look at him as if he’s gone crazy.

 

“Let me get this straight then, you are willing to let a man who is like 40 years old bruise you and treat you like a dog, just to go to some big shot university?” 

 

Simon sighs and shakes his head. He knew Lewis would never understand, that we would never get it. “Lewis, I can’t stay here anymore.” He motions his hands around the apartment, “You might be fine with your life and that’s great but I need this to happen.” 

 

“Why? To prove to your mum that she was wrong about you? Simon you know I love you but you’re mum is never going to give a shit.” 

 

Suddenly tears spring to Simon’s eyes. He brings a finger up and angrily brushes it away. Just then his phone rings again and it takes all of his strength not to throw it at the wall, watching as it breaks into a million little pieces. 

 

“Hello?” He says, deciding to answer it. His voice comes out more annoyed then he intended. 

 

“I’ve called the school, I am friends with the office of administration and they want you to fill out an application immediately. They’ve already opened up a room for you and assigned a roommate. The first payment has been made.” The voice on other line says and Simon’s heart starts beating louder in his ears.

 

“How— How did you do that?” He asks.

 

“Don’t worry about that. I suggest you start packing, Uni Boy.” Phil chuckles on the other end before the phone hangs up. Simon smiles, forgetting about why this happened and how he is going to have to thank the older man later, but it will be worth it. 

 

He looks up and sees Lewis still looking at him. Simon had forgotten he was still there.

 

“So that was your sugar daddy,” He rolls his eyes. 

 

“His name is Phil, and he called to tell me that I have a spot open, I just have to send in my application.”

 

“This is fucked up Simon,” Lewis mumbles, leaning against the counter. 

 

“Come with me, I’m sure he’d love a 3 way.” Simon jokes. That causes a small smile to appear on Lewis’ cheek, one dimple coming to surface. 

 

“Shut up.” 

 

“But seriously Lewis, I know what I’m doing, yeah.” Simon smiles at him, “You don’t have to worry about me.”

 

“And who’s gonna live here with me then?” He frowns. Simon didn’t realize the reason Lewis was so angry was because he felt as if Simon was abandoning him.

 

“Lewis…” Simon trails off.

 

“No, I’m kidding, I’ll be fine. Go live your dream and make a name for yourself. I’ll just keep working at the vinyl shop with my dad for the rest of my life.” 

 

“Nonsense! You’re going to be a famous musician one day and you won’t even have time for a peasant like me.” Simon jokes. 

 

They laugh for a while until Lewis looks up, growing serious, “For real though Simon, I’m going to miss you.” 

 

He wraps Simon up in a big hug and he buries his head into Lewis’ neck. He was going to miss him too.

 

“Well go then. Start packing.” Lewis rolls his eyes as they pull away. He turns to the sink, “And I’ll start the dishes.” 

 

With that Simon turns and walks into his room and grabs a suite case but not before looking around and taking in the crammed bed in the corner and small desk adjacent to it. His books and posters all looking at him with awe.  He felt a bittersweet sadness tug at his chest but it was soon replaced with the reality that his dream was going to come true. 

 

**V: Welcome to Uni.**

 

Simon’s eyes widen as he takes in the scene in front of him. Just weeks ago he remembers falling asleep with the image of this campus in his head. It doesn’t feel real that he is now right in front of it. Just three weeks ago he had sent in his application and gotten a response that he was accepted. A donor paying for his housing. He soon received a packet in the mail with his dorm number, his roommate (some guy named Ethan), his class schedule and other information. Days before the taxi came to pick him up he was back at Phil’s house, legs spread, waiting to say thank you. Another line of bruises up his collarbones that were tender to the touch.

 

He looks up at the lush building, an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment filling his chest. 

 

He is pulled out of his thoughts when he feels his luggage fall by his feet. He looks up to see the taxi driver with his hand out. He frowns as he digs into his wallet to see a crumpled 20 pound bill. He hands it over and the taxi driver scoffs, climbing back into the car and driving away. He was all alone. A few people caught his eye and smiled, especially this cute blonde boy who even gave him a wink. Oh yes, he was certainly going to like it here. 

 

He grabbed onto his luggage and made his way to his dorm. He trudged up the stairs with his heavy luggage and barely made it to room 114 before his arm gave out. He threw his luggage down outside the door way and blew out a sigh of relief. He only got lost on the way once. He was about to put his key in the door when it opened. A gruff, short looking guy opened it. He looked at Simon then looked at his luggage.

 

“Alright, mate?” He asked looking at Simon’s feet at his suitcases. 

 

Simon nods slightly out of breath, “Yeah man… all good here.” 

 

The other boy just nods. They stand there for a minute.

 

“I’m taking you’re Simon then?” He asks, a small smirk sitting on his lips.

 

“In the flesh.” 

 

“Well pick up that shit and get in here,” He holds the door open as Simon starts picking up his things, “I’m Ethan, I got an email saying I should be expecting a clumsy blonde around 3 pm.”

 

Simon gives him a quizzed look as he hoists one of his luggage bags into the small twin bed across the room from Ethan’s.

 

“Well, it didn’t say that exactly. Just that I was assigned a new roommate.” He shrugs. 

 

“Oh.” Simon chuckles, taking in the room. It wasn’t the biggest but definitely bigger than the living room in his old flat. Two desks sat across from each other; one with books, papers, and highlighters. A blue comforter thrown around what Simon assumes is Ethan’s bed sat beside it. He then glances over at his side. Empty. Simon was so excited to make it his own. 

 

“Why don’t you have a roommate?” Simon asks as he starts unpacking, placing one of Lewis’ sweatshirts he may or may not have taken in his small closet. 

 

“I was going to room with an old friend of mine but they bailed last minute.” He says, toying around with the end of his blanket. 

 

“Why’d you come here in the middle of September?” Ethan questions him back. 

 

Simon hesitates for a moment knowing he can’t say too much. 

 

“I applied but I got waitlisted, I guess someone left so they let me in… I’m on scholarship.” He adds at the end.

 

Ethan just nods, “Well it’s good to have you. Make yourself at home.” He plops on the bed and pulls out his phone initiating the conversation was over.

 

Simon doesn’t mind, instead he continues unpacking, neatly hanging up his clothes and ordering his shoes by color. He may have a slight case of OCD. He then goes over to his desk and sets out some notebooks. He then hangs some of his favorite posters and places some of his favorite books on the side table to read later. His bag falls onto the floor and his football rolls out of it. Ethan notices and picks it up.

 

“You play?” He asks.

 

Simon nods, “Yeah.”

 

Ethan smiles, “Me too. We’ll have to go to the pitch and play a little.” 

 

Simon returns his smile, “Sounds good to me.” 

 

He continues unpacking while Ethan quizzes him more.

 

“Where are you from?” He asks. 

 

“Melbourne,” Simon says as he throws a couple t-shirts in the dresser. 

 

“Not far at all, what made you leave home?” 

 

“Uh,” Simon hesitates, “Just needed my own space.” He couldn’t tell this kid that he meant 30 minutes ago that his mum kicked him out and he only got in because he became someone’s mistress. 

 

“I feel that.” Ethan nods. “You know what you need?” He says then growing excited. 

 

Simon looks up at him, confused. 

 

“You need a tour of the campus!” Ethan announces. 

 

Simon’s stomach bubbles with nerves. “S-Sure!” He agrees just as excited. 

 

“Have you gotten your textbooks yet?” He asks. Simon shakes his head.

 

“Give me your class schedule and we can head down to the bookstore. Harry should be working and he’ll give you the hookup.”

 

“What do you mean?” Simon asks.

 

“You have to purchase them,” Ethan lets out a laugh, “You think they will just give you the textbooks for free?” 

 

Panic rises in Simon’s chest. He doesn’t have the money to buy god knows how many books. 

 

“You okay, mate?” Ethan must have seen Simon’s look of fear.

 

“Fine, I just, I don’t have my student ID yet.” Phil said he was going to put 1,000 pounds on his student card so he could eat and go out. “Enjoy yourself.” He had said. 

 

“Well we can go get that first. It’s in the administration office, come on.” 

 

With that him and Ethan make their way through the lush grounds. Simon’s eyes growing bigger and bigger as he takes in the scene in front of him. He actually can’t believe he’s here. He accidentally lets out a squeal and Ethan turns to him laughing.

 

“Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet my friend.” Ethan jokes, slinging his arm around Simon’s shoulders as they continue their walk to the administrations office. 

 

When they finally arrive a sweet looking women is sitting, typing away on her computer. She smiles at the boys as they tell her their request for the card. Soon she opens an envelope with Simon’s name on it and hands it over. They thank her and make their way to the bookstore.

 

As soon as Simon walks in he can smell the vintage paper and scent of vanilla throughout the room. He stops for a moment, another wave of disbelief taking over him. He gets pulled back to realty when he realizes Ethan has walked ahead of him. He jogs to catch up.

 

“Harry is right up here,” Ethan tells him. 

 

Ethan walks up to a blonde boy wearing an olive sweater with bright blue eyes. Simon swallows. That’s the boy that winked at him when he first arrived. 

 

“Hi,” The boy— Harry, says. 

 

Simon walks over closer and stands next to the desk. “Hi.” 

 

“Simon needs some textbooks,” Ethan says. Harry hasn’t taken his eyes off of him once and Simon’s stomach flips. 

 

“I can do that.” Harry nods, “Do you have a schedule, Simon?” He asks. 

 

Simon nods and ruffles through his bag, some papers falling out near his feet. He curses, hating himself for being so clumsy. Finally he finds the crinkled paper with a list of his courses. He hands it over, expecting Harry to think he’s weird but he’s still smiling.

 

“Thank you.” He says as he pulls up Simon’s information up on the computer in front of him. 

 

“Okay…” Harry says, glancing between the paper and the computer, “Looks like you need 4 textbooks, I’ll be right back.” He gets up and heads to the back where all the books are on display. Simon takes this time to talk to Ethan.

 

“How do you know him?” Simon asks.

 

“He was my roommate last year,” Ethan shakes his head smiling, “Promiscuous little thing I tell you what. And he likes you.” He slides his eyes over to Simon who bites his lip.

 

“Nah.” Simon shakes his head.

 

“I can tell, then again Harry bangs anything that walks.”

 

“Yeah, but I’m not—“

 

“Gay.” Ethan interrupts.

 

“Interested,” Simon says then slowly and Ethan nods.

 

“Got it.” He winks. 

 

Harry then walks back, textbooks in hand. He plugs the numbers into the computer.

 

He tells them the total and Simon hands him his card, their fingers lightly brushing. 

 

“Alright, you’re done here, Simon,” Harry says, shooting him a smile.

 

Simon nods and swallows, taking his books in his arms, trying not to drop them. 

 

They make their way back to the dorm. As soon as they arrive Simon drops his books on his desk and flops onto his bed. He is exhausted. Ethan tells him he is going to go shower then they can grab some dinner from the dining hall. After laying for some time Simon pushes himself up and grabs one of his textbooks. As he does this a small piece of paper falls to the ground. He picks it up and inspects it, written on it is a phone number with a trail of x’s next to it. Harry’s number. Simon blushes a deep red and stuffs the number back into the book. He is still sitting in the same position blushing when Ethan returns from his shower. He sends Simon a confused glance.

 

“Why are you sweaty?” Ethan asks, causing Simon to laugh out loud.

 

“Harry put his number in my textbook.”

 

Ethan rolls his eyes to that, “Of course he did.” 

 

Simon frowns. “What’s wrong with him.

 

“Besides all the STD’s, nothing.” Ethan snorts at his own joke. 

 

“So you’re saying he’s a slut.” 

 

“What I’m saying, Simon is that you are too sweet and innocent for a boy like that.”

 

“But you just met me. Maybe I’m dangerous.” He says standing, “Maybe I’m a dangerous drug dealer who has a secret identity as Simon Minter.”

 

Ethan snorts again, “I doubt a boy who blushes when someone puts their number in their textbook is a dangerous drug lord.” 

 

Simon smiles, “Yeah, you’re right.” 

 

“Come on, I’m starving,” Ethan says, dressing quickly and tossing his towel on the floor. He holds the door open and sighs loudly when Simon picks the towel up and puts it in the hamper.

 

“Sorry.” He mumbles walking out.

 

“It’s okay, big drug lord. Don’t worry about it.” 

 

Simon just laughs and shakes his head, thinking about how exciting the year was going to be. Hell, maybe he’d even call that Harry kid.

 

**VI: Green eyes and tattoos.**

 

It was Friday. Simon has been at school for a week and has loved every minute of it. He even joined the bee keeping club. Don’t ask him why. He just did. He is currently getting dressed in a nice button-down and jeans because Ethan was taking him out. He was beyond excited. They were going to some club Simon has never heard of. He hasn’t heard from Phil since the night before he left for school. He figures he’s busy with work or maybe he found another 19 year old to fuck. Not that Simon cares. His bruises are still there, fading, but still there. 

 

They get into Ethan’s car and start driving. It was almost ten o’clock and Simon’s adrenaline was rushing. He loves going out and dancing. Him and Lewis used to go to bars all the time. He gets a tug in his chest thinking about Lewis. He wishes he were here with him and Ethan. He would have loved Ethan. Pushing his thoughts about Lewis away he focuses on the night.

 

“Who’s all going to be at this club.”

 

Ethan smiles, “Friday nights all the kids from Uni show up. It’ll be nice for me to introduce you to some people I know.” 

 

Simon nods, “Drinks are on me.” He says then. He’s not sure why maybe it’s because for once he actually has money to buy alcohol. It’s a great feeling.

 

“Fuck yeah, Minter,” Ethan shouts as they speed down the road. 

 

They arrive and music is pumping through the club. He doesn’t know anyone but that’s all going to change tonight. Simon has never been the most social. In fact he is extremely shy but no one here knows him. He can be whoever he wants. 

 

“Come on,” Ethan says grabbing his hand and leading him inside and holy shit. The club did not compare to what him and Lewis are used to. This is a club for rich university students. Girls dressed up in stilettos sipping cocktails at the bar. Waiters in black suits and ties.

 

“Holy shit,” Simon shouts to Ethan.

 

“Ready to get fucked, scholarship?” 

 

He allows Ethan to lead him through the crowd of bodies. He can barely hear himself think the music is so loud. Eventually Ethan stops at a table with 7 other people. Immediately he spots Harry making out with a boy with dark hair and tattoos. He tries to look away but find that he can’t. The tattooed boy brings a hand around Harry’s waist and pulls him closer. Harry lets out an inaudible moan. 

 

“Simon, this is JJ, Cal and his girlfriend Sarah.” Simon smiles shyly and raises his hand in hello. 

 

“Make yourself at home.” One of them, JJ, says. Simon nods and smiles. 

 

Suddenly Harry has detached himself from the other boy and turns to Simon. His eyes are glossy and he has obviously been drinking. He gets up and slings his arm around the taller boy.

 

“Simon.” He whispers in his ear, “You haven’t called me.” 

 

Simon blushes a deep red and looks up, his blue eyes colliding with green. The boy with the tattoos is now looking… no glaring at him. His expression unreadable. Harry is now leaning his head into Simon’s neck as if to kiss him when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. He pulls it out and sees the name. 

 

Phil. 

 

Simon pulls away from Harry and answers it, which was stupid of him considering he is in a club. He puts one finger in his ear to hear better.

 

“Hello?” He asks as he turns, trying to make his way outside so he could hear. He struggles to make way through the throng of bodies blocking his path.

 

“Simon, are you in a club.” He can hear the smirk in his voice. 

 

“No…” Simon trails off finally exiting the crowded building. 

 

“Naughty boy,” Phil whispers. Simon rolls his eyes.

 

“Spending my money well then?” He asks.

 

“You didn’t have to put money on my ID, I just wanted my tuition paid for.” He says, looking around to make sure Ethan doesn’t hear him, but he is still inside probably drinking and having a good time like Simon should be. 

 

“I wanted to.” He says simply and Simon smiles at that, maybe Phil wasn’t so bad aft—

 

“Get your thick ass over here.”

 

And okay, he was that bad after all.

 

Simon frowns into the phone, “But it’s Friday. This is my first night to explore and meet people.”

 

“Boys?” Phil asks with jealousy in his voice.

 

“N-No.” Simon stutters thinking about Harry almost attacking his neck. And that boy with the green eyes.

 

“You can go right back to your little party after I’ve had my way with you. We have an agreement or should I call and cancel my payments?” He says sharply and Simon bites his lip.

 

“I’ll be there soon.” 

 

“Good, I’m leaking for you.” 

 

Simon hangs up and tears well in his eyes. _Stop it. Do not cry._ He sighs and walks back into the club and spots Ethan wedged between Sarah and Cal laughing hysterically, a drink in hand. When he spots Simon he jumps up and walks over. Harry and the dark haired boy no longer to be seen. Soon enough, Simon spots them grinding against each other on the dance floor. 

 

“Simon, where the hell did you go?” He asks. Simon tears his eyes away from the two boys to focus on Ethan. 

 

“I’m gonna go for a walk okay? I don’t feel well,” He says.

 

Ethan looks at him confused, “But you were so excited to come.” 

 

“I know,” The look on Ethan’s face fills Simon with guilt. 

 

“But I’ll come back, I promise okay?”

 

“Do you want me to come with you? You don’t know the area I don’t want you to get lost.” 

 

Simon smiles sadly, “I’ll be okay I promise. I’ll text you when I’m on my way back, yeah?”

 

Ethan nods and makes his way back over to the couch. The group waves as Simon makes his way back out. He pulls out his phone and calls for a taxi. As he waits he walks over to the closest ATM and pulls out some cash for the driver. Soon enough he is standing outside of the beautiful house, sending a text to Phil letting him know he has arrived. 

 

Forty minutes later Simon feels like he can’t walk. His bum is sore and his ribs hurt when he breathes. He got half hard and never came. Luckily Phil was more worried about himself than Simon. 

 

He arrives back at the club  around midnight and everything is in full swing. He steps out of the taxi and walks around back to the alley to catch his breath before he has to go back in. If he’s honest he just wants to go back to his dorm, scrub away the thought of Phil on top of him and go to sleep. He looks up and jumps when he sees the boy who was all over Harry earlier leaning against the wall. A cigarette hanging from his teeth. Simon walks over and stands next to him not saying anything. 

 

“Nice Hickey.” The boy says a moment later and Simon blushes a deep red. He brings a hand to his neck and sure enough, it’s sore as hell. 

 

“Nice tattoos.” Simon scoffs at the punk kid. Just because Simon was poor didn’t mean he took shit from people. 

 

The boy looks down at his sleeve and smiles, “Thanks.” 

 

“That wasn’t a compliment,” Simon mumbles. 

 

The boy chuckles and takes a drag from his cigarette. Simon makes a disgusted face. He wasn’t trying to be rude but Phil put him in an awful mood. He no longer felt like partying. 

 

The brunette holds the cigarette out to him but Simon shakes his head. “I don’t smoke.”

 

“No, but you get hickeys.” 

 

Simon turns to him and scoffs, “Oh and you’re such an angel? I saw you all over your boyfriend in there.” 

 

“Not my boyfriend.” Is all he says, throwing his cig on the ground and stepping on it with his black and white vans “But I am going to go find him. I need a good fuck tonight.” He looks Simon up and down, “Although he probably would rather have a go at you… not that I blame him.” He adds a moment later as he’s staring at Simon’s lips.

 

Simon looks away from his piercing green eyes, his face now on fire. When Simon doesn’t say anything the other boy walks closer to him leaning into his ear

 

“I’m Josh.” He whispers. With that, he walks back into the club. Simon stands in the empty alley, the shiver still going down his spine from how close he was. 

 

He really doesn’t want to go back inside so he sends a quick text to Ethan letting him know he was going back to the dorm. When he gets there he slips out of his clothes and openly gasps when he sees himself in the mirror. More bruising along his ribs and his neck is covered in bites. Josh probably thinks he’s a slag… not that he cares what Josh thinks. He feels like crying. He gets into the shower and turns to water to hot. It almost burns him. He tried his best to wash away the feeling of Phil but he can’t so he gets out and throws on Lewis’ old sweatshirt and crawls into bed. He has a sick feeling in his stomach that he has majorly fucked up. 

 

**VII. Mistakes**

 

The next morning Simon awakens to find a passed out Ethan still in his clothes from the night before, even his shoes. Simon sighs and walks over slipping them off and sliding a cover over him. He then walks over to their shared tea kettle and starts a brew. He pulls his phone out and fiddles with some apps as he waits for his tea. 

 

Ethan stirs gently before waking up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looks over at Simon and gives him a lazy smile before pushing himself off the bed.

 

“I’ve got one bitch of a headache,” He chuckles. He stands and walks over to where Simon is standing. He takes a look at his neck and smirks.

 

“So you weren’t feeling well last night then?” He questions, his eyes scanning over the bruising on his neck. His stomach drops to his feet. 

 

“I wasn’t.” He answers calmly. The kettle goes off and Simon pours the liquid into two mugs adding milk and sugar to each before handing one to Ethan. He accepts. 

 

“So you just disappeared on a walk for an hour then went back to the dorm to sleep?”

 

“Yeah, pretty much.” He hates Ethan’s eyes on him. He needs space. He walks away and sits at his desk but Ethan follows, just like Simon knew he would. 

 

“You, Simon Minter, had a booty call last night.” He announces. 

 

Simon frowns, “No, Ethan. I didn’t.” 

 

Ethan holds his hands up in defense, “Okay, I get it. You gave yourself those hickeys, yeah.”

 

Simon avoids his eyes. 

 

“You don’t have to tell me who it is, you’ve only known me for a week but I do like you a lot.”

 

Simon smiles at this, “I really like you too.”

 

“Well, now that it’s settled that we like each other let's go get some breakfast I’m starving. But first I may need to throw up.” 

 

Simon laughs and shakes his head as Ethan runs to the bathroom. That boy knew how to party. 

 

The rest of Simon’s weekend went along with nothing special happening. He sat and did homework for the majority of it. Then when Monday rolled around he pushed himself out of bed to head to his classes.

 

Another week passes and Simon hasn’t heard from Phil but his payments are still being made. Simon is confused, but he refuses to call and find out what’s going on. Another feeling of hope ignites in Simon’s chest hoping that he moved on with someone new. 

 

Currently him, Ethan, Cal, JJ, and Sarah are sitting in the library studying. He is still getting to know everyone but so far he loves this group of people. JJ is hilarious and loud, Cal and Sarah are ridiculously cute it almost makes Simon jealous and Ethan is well… probably Simon’s best friend here. It’s the beginning of October and leaves have changed to beautiful golden oranges and yellows. Fall is Simon’s favorite season. He’s currently snuggled up in an over sized sweater with some black skinny jeans and vans. He is comfortable with a coffee sat in front of him as his new friends talk among themselves. It still doesn’t feel real that this is his life right now. He talked to Lewis a couple nights ago and Lewis told him he has decided to go the community college back in Melbourne for music. Simon excitedly announced how happy he was for him.  He ended the call with a promise to meet up soon. 

 

Everything was peaceful around him. The light chatter of the library and students walking in with their expensive coats and coffee. He still doesn’t feel like he belongs. He would never have money like these people, not unless he kept up with Phil. The thought of the older man made his stomach turn. He pushes the thought away as he opens up his literature textbook trying to focus on the play they are reading when the chair across from him slides against the floor and a body sits down. Simon looks up and he is met with Josh. Who doesn’t seem at all happy. He smells of weed and cologne. 

 

“Hey, Josh, how’s it going?” Cal asks, patting him on the shoulder. Simon was expecting Josh to pull away and scowl but he doesn’t. Instead almost leans into Cal’s embrace. 

 

“Shit, but I’m still here aren’t I?” He says with a smirk. The table laughs and Josh shakes his head averting his attention to Simon… well more importantly to his neck. Simon looks away. 

 

“There’s a party this weekend at Chris’ house if you can supply some of your good stuff.” JJ says, “Chris is a prick but I never turn down a chance to get fucked up.”

 

Josh just nods, pulling out his phone to send a message to what is assumed his dealer. Simon watches carefully as Josh’s long slim finger move gracefully along the keyboard. He looks soft in a simple t-shirt and jean jacket with his black skinny jeans. His tattoos hidden by the fabric. His hair is a complete mess but in a good way. Josh looks up suddenly to see Simon completely checking him out. He sends him a smirk and stands up, stretching. 

 

“I got you for the weekend. Pills are 20 a piece.” 

 

The group nods as Josh walks away, putting his hand up in a wave as he goes. 

 

+++

 

Just when Simon thinks Phil is done with him he gets a text the Friday night before the group is supposed to head to Chris’. He curses out loud as he sends it to voicemail. He now sees the pattern of Phil. He knows Friday’s are for partying and going out so he is going to make sure Simon doesn’t. 

 

The phone rings again and he shuts it off. _Not tonight._

 

He pulls his jacket around him as him and Ethan walk up to Chris’ mansion. _Is everyone here fucking rich or something?_

 

The answer is yes.

 

They enter and there aren’t as many people as Simon thought there would be. Maybe a little over 24 people are mingling and drinking, good music playing not too loud.

 

“I thought this was a party,” Simon mumbles to Ethan as he walks over and grabs a beer, he drinks half in one go. 

 

“Just wait. Josh isn’t here yet.” Ethan smirks. Simon shoots him a confused look but Ethan ignores it. 

 

20 minutes later Ethan was right. As soon as Josh and Harry came through those doors piles of people came after. Another 20 minutes pass and the house is packed. People drinking out of cheep red solo cups and grinding into each other. Simon smiles, immediately feeling more comfortable. He thought this was going to be a party where people drank champagne and talked about their yachts. He’s happy they are more normal than Simon initially thought. 

 

He looks around and sees Ethan sitting on the couch with Cal rolling a blunt. Sarah is talking to a pretty blonde and…what the fuck? Josh has his throat down some redheaded girl’s throat. He’s not gay? What about Harry? His eyes scan the room and he finds Harry grinding up what Simon knows is coke on the counter with a cute boy Simon has never seen before. They both look happy and content, smiling and laughing every so often.  

 

Simon finishes off his first beer and goes to grab another one. As he reaches in the bucket his hand collides with another. He recognizes the tattoos immediately. He grabs a beer and quickly pulls his hand out.

 

Josh is standing in front of him. Simon watches as he pops open his beer and takes a long sip. Simon can’t help but watch his Adam’s Apple bob up and down as he swallows. 

 

“Having fun?” Josh asks once he’s finished off his beer. His eyes are glossed over and Simon wonders what he’s taken. He watches as Josh hoists himself up on the counter and swings his legs back and forth much like a child. 

 

Simon stands there sipping his beer lightly and nodding.

 

“Yeah.” 

 

Josh pulls a little baggy out of the pocket of his worn out jean jacket that he wears everywhere. It smells of cigarette and nice cologne. He spots little white pills sitting in the bag. Josh pulls one out and places it on his tongue and closes his eyes. When he opens them, he holds the bag out to Simon who snorts.

 

“No thanks.” 

 

Josh just shakes his head and jumps down. “I’m going out for a smoke.” He says as he pushes past the crowd of people. Simon watches silently as his thin frame disappears. 

 

Suddenly Simon feels alone. He looks around at everyone dancing and laughing but he’d rather stand outside and talk to Josh. He has no idea why. He doesn’t even really like the boy, so he really doesn’t understand why is walking out towards the balcony to where Josh is sitting alone looking out at the sky. The house is huge so it took Simon a little while to find him but eventually, he did. The music could barely be heard and it was just them. Simon slides open the door as Josh looks back at him, immediately smirking.

 

“Knew you couldn’t resist.” He says taking a drag and blowing the smoke up into the sky. It was cold out and Simon shivers as he sits down.

 

He doesn’t say anything so Josh turns back to the scene in front of him. The house was isolated in the woods and Simon watches as the trees slowly drift back and forth from the breeze, like shadows dancing. Neither of them speak but it isn’t weird or uncomfortable. In fact, Simon feels content. Like he was meant to be here with Josh. 

 

Moments pass and they are both sitting enjoying each other’s company when Simon remembers he turned his phone off. 

 

“Fuck.” He mumbles as he turns it on. Josh’s shoulders twitch with the sounds of Simon’s voice but he doesn’t turn around.

 

As soon as the phone clicks on he sees that he has 20 missed calls from Phil. He bites his lip and without thinking he presses call. Panic rising in his chest.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” The older man screams when he finally answers. Simon jumps from the volume of his voice. This is when Josh fully turns towards him, watching. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He says. He knows Phil is going to punish him.

 

“Sorry, you’re sorry? No, I think you are a lying little bitch. One night Simon. I ask for one night and you can’t do that for me? All the money I’m paying you can’t spend one night with me?”

 

Simons hands tighten around his phone, he can feel Josh’s glares but he knew if he looks up he will start crying. 

 

“Are you with a boy right now? Are his hands down your pants right now as I’m speaking to you?” His voice sounds as if it is coming from clenched teeth. 

 

Simon’s eyes slide to Josh who is still watching him. 

 

“N-no.” He manages to choke out.

 

“You have 20 minutes to get to this house do you hear me? Or you can kiss your little dream goodbye and go back to the pile of shit flat you were in before.” He hisses.

 

Simon’s heart caves. He thinks of Ethan and all of the friends he’s made, but more importantly, he is thinking of Josh. Whose green eyes are burning holes in his face. He pushes himself up.

 

“I’m on my way.” He mumbles and the line goes dead. He sighs and slides his phone back in his pocket.

 

“You’re leaving?” Josh asks, the tiniest hint of sadness in his tone as he lights up another cigarette. 

 

Simon just nods.

 

“See you then.” Is all Josh says and Simon openly frowns to this, Josh notices but doesn’t say anything. 

 

With that, Simon turns and pushes open the door to the party that once filled him with adrenaline, now all of the bodies and music is giving him anxiety. He pushes out of the house and breathes when he catches some fresh air. A taxi comes and moments later he is back at Phil’s house.

 

When Simon walks in a hand is immediately around his neck. Simon coughs, his face turning red at the sudden contact. When Phil lets go Simon hunches over for breath. 

 

“What the fuck,” Simon shouts. 

 

Suddenly Phil’s pants are off, “Get on your knees.’

 

Simon glances down at the marble floor, “Can we go to the bedroom?” He knew the marble would fuck up his knees.

 

“No, you don’t deserve a comfortable bed. Now get down and suck.” He shoves Simon’s shoulders so he is kneeling, already a feeling of pain traveling down to his legs. He couldn’t kneel on this for that long. 

 

Suddenly Phil’s hard cock is in his face and Simon tries not to grimace. 

 

“I said. Suck.” He pulls Simon hair until he’s taken all of him in his mouth. He tries not to gag but does anyway his eyes watering. Phil starts thrusting and Simon can’t breathe. He pulls Phil out of his mouth.

 

“Just give me a second please.” He begs, his knees aching and throat burning. 

 

“Shut up, bitch,” Phil says again pulling Simon’s hair even harder causing pain to shoot threw him. He opens as wide as he can as Phil thrusts himself into Simon’s mouth. He squeezes his eyes shut as he waits for Phil to come. After what feels like forever his load is running down Simon’s throat that is rubbed raw and throbbing. He stands to wipe the tears from his eyes.

 

Phil looks at him, his eyes dark, “Upstairs now.” He barks and Simon winces at the harshness of his voice. He listens and suddenly he is on the bed, his legs spread and pants being slid off. All of a sudden without warning Phil shoves himself inside dry. No lube, no stretching, nothing. Simon hollers out in pain.

 

“Stop, please it hurts.” Phil ignores him, just grips his hips with all of his force and thrusts. Tears leak from Simon’s eyes. 

 

Phil ignores him. 

 

After what feels like forever he is out of him. Simon’s hole burning severely. 

 

He lays on the mattress not being able to move. Minutes later Phil comes over and leans over to Simon and pecks a light kiss on his cheek.

 

“I love you, you know.” He whispers in Simon’s ear as another tear slips out.

 

“Oh come on, don’t cry, baby.” He scoops Simon up and he wants to scream and yell and leave. 

 

“Can I go home now?” Simon croaks out barely from his wrecked throat.

 

Phil smiles at him and wipes away one of his tears, “Of course, but I got you something.” He gets up and walks over to the closet. He pulls out a nice Ralph Lauren Polo. He tosses it to Simon.

 

“I was going to make us a nice dinner and give it to you then, but you decided you had other plans.” 

 

Simon doesn’t say anything. 

 

“Well? A thank you would be nice.” Phil says, rubbing his scalp.

 

“Thank you.” Simon manages. He stands and immediately winces in pain. There was no way he was walking tomorrow. 

 

“Good boy. Now, what have we learned here?” He asks Simon as if he is a 6-year-old who did something bad.

 

“Answer when you call.” He says weakly. Phil smiles and nods.

 

“Exactly. You know I hate having to punish you.”

 

Simon just nods and stands. Slowly he walks to the door and lets himself out. 

 

He stands in the middle of the vacant driveway for a bit wondering where the hell his wife and kids are. Simon supposes they are out somewhere. He pulls out his phone to call for a cab but his phone is completely dead. He frowns and starts walking. He knows there is a diner a couple blocks away when the beautiful houses turn back into normal streets. He decides that is where he is going to go.

 

By the time he gets there he almost collapses into the booth. His bum hurts so bad it almost brings tears to his eyes. A waitress comes up and her eyes look over Simon probably wondering how a homeless kid wandered into her diner. 

 

“What do you want?” She asks, smacking her gum loudly.

 

“Coffee.” He answers as he lays his head on his hands. She clicks her tongue and walks away. Seconds later a steaming cup is set in front of him. He inhales the scent and sighs. This was much needed.

 

Suddenly the door to the diner opens and a group of loud voices wander in. He sees the waitress curse something under breath. He turns and his heart stops. Ethan and the others have just walked in. Harry with the boy he was partying with and Josh with the girl with the red hair. Simon hunches over into his coffee.

 

_Please don’t let them see me_

_Please don’t let them see me_

_please don’t le—_

 

“Simon?!”

 

_Fuck_

 

He turns and gives the best fake smile he can. Ethan immediately walks over and plops into the booth, the rest of the group follows, all together they take up two. Right over Ethan’ shoulder, he can see Josh perfectly and he won’t stop staring at him. Simon tears his eyes away from him, looking at Ethan. 

 

Ethan immediately raises his eyebrows. “To be honest you kind of look like shit mate.”

 

Simon’s stomach turns inside out as he recalls the what happened half an hour earlier. 

 

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t think he can. His throat is rubbed raw. 

 

“Long night then I’m guessing, judging by your neck bites.” 

 

“You could say that.” He mumbles weakly. Ethan shoots him a look.

 

“Are you sick? Your voice sounds awful.” 

 

Just then Josh walks over and asks JJ to switch seats with him so he could be by Simon. JJ nods already eyeing the redhead Josh has just abandoned. 

 

He slides into the booth and eyes his coffee, “Are you going to drink that?” He asks.

 

Simon shakes his head. Josh scoops up the handle and takes a drink of it and sets it back down.

 

“Hey,” He then says signaling for the waitress to come to their table. 

 

She rolls her eyes but comes over anyway, “What can I do for you?” She asks with fake enthusiasm. 

 

“I need a glass of water, no ice though, with lemon.” 

 

She nods and walks to the back, moments later she walks back with the water in hand. Josh thanks her and slides it to Simon. He looks at it for a moment confused.

 

“Trust me, it will help your throat. I would know.” He winks and Simon’s eyes grow cold. The fact that Josh is hinting towards something like that… like he understands what Simon is going through makes his blood boil. He didn’t know the hell he was going through. Josh has sex for fun. Simon has sex for money and the realization is slowly starting to kick in. His chest feels like it’s caving in. 

 

“Move please.” He says to Josh sternly. The tattooed boy looks at him confused.

 

“I said to move so I can get out.” He says once more, his face red. Josh stares at him for a moment before sliding out of the booth. Simon stomps out the door and sits on the curb. He just needed to breathe. 

 

Ethan comes out a moment later and sits down next to him. 

 

“Are you okay?” 

 

“I’m just tired and Josh is an asshole.” He says.

 

“He tried to help your throat.”

 

Simon scoffs, “Yeah because he assumed it was raw from sucking too much dick.” He shakes his head, “Can I not have a fucking cold just because I’m into guys?”

 

“You can have a cold,” Ethan says simply as he shrugs his shoulders. “And you shouldn’t let Josh get to you, he likes to play games with people.” 

 

“What’s his deal anyway?” 

 

“Josh Bradley is a world-renowned, I don’t give a shit, look at my tattoos, asshole.”

 

“Is he really that bad?” Simon asks. 

 

“All I know is that he broke Harry’s heart.”

 

“How is that possible they were just making out a week ago.” 

 

Ethan shakes his head, “Harry fell for Josh and once he told him about his feelings, Josh blew him off for a month. Wouldn’t text him back or answer his calls. Then at a party he walked up to Harry whispered something in his ear they were gone for the next hour. Harry came back with a couple of hickeys and they’ve been friends with benefits since.” 

 

“And Harry is just okay with being used like that?” Simon asks, the irony sinking in that he was being used as well. 

 

Ethan shrugs, “He likes Josh and if being friends with benefits keeps Josh’s lips on his dick I don’t really think he gives a fuck.”

 

Simon just shakes his head, a shiver running down his spine from the cold October air. 

 

“Do you want me to take you home?” Ethan asks him. Simon shakes his head. He doesn’t want Ethan’s fun to be ruined.

 

“We can go back inside.” 

 

Ethan smiles at this and throws him arm around Simon’s shoulders as they stand and make their way back inside. Everything is how they left it, except Josh is off standing in the corner talking to the waitress. She rolls her eyes but smiles when he speaks to her. Simon scoffs at the two and takes a seat. Soon enough Harry is next to him.

 

“How ya going?” He smiles tipsily. Simon allows himself to smile. He needs to go back to normal.

 

“Alright, I guess.” He says shyly taking a sip of the lemon water that was left on the table. _Josh was right. This works wonders._

 

It makes him hate him even more. 

 

Harry just smiles and places a hand around his shoulder as he yells to Cal across the booth. Simon sits nestled into Harry’s side and he’s not very comfortable, Harry’s boney shoulder bone digging into his own boney shoulder but when Ethan laughs so hard he shoots water out of his nose he smiles anyway, and when he looks over and sees Josh shooting daggers at Harry, no longer paying attention to the waiter twirling her hair around her finger, he smiles at that too. 

Eventually, the night ends and as everyone is walking out the door Simon notices Josh pulling Harry close to him towards the back of the diner almost hidden away. He tries not to notice Josh’s eyes on him while his lips are attached to another boy’s.

 

He fails.

 

**VIII. For you**

 

“I can’t focus!” Ethan says, throwing his notebook on the floor. Simon jumps and looks up at him. 

 

“You scared me,” Simon says, bringing a hand to his chest. Halloween was a couple days away and Ethan has been stressing about his Anatomy test the whole week. Simon has already gone over notecards with him, made him a full print study guide and checked out some helpful books in the library but Ethan still says he can’t do it. 

 

“I need a distraction.” He says, standing. He looks around the room and spots Simon’s football and smiles.

 

“I know. Let’s go down to the pitch.” 

 

Simon looks out the window it was almost dusk. “We don’t have a lot of time.” He says, but he’s already pushing himself up and throwing on an old sweatshirt and Nike sweats. 

 

“I’ll call up the others for an impromptu football session.” Ethan takes his phone out of his pocket and his fingers start flying over the keys. Moments later he looks up and smiles.

 

“They’re meeting us down there.”

 

Simon wasn’t sure who “they” were until he sees JJ, Cal, two other boys Simon has never seen before, Harry and.. what the fuck is he doing here? More importantly what is he doing here in an Adidas hoodie with the sleeves pushed up to show his tattoos, with his loose hanging sweats and beat up vans looking beyond attractive. Simon scowls and walks over. 

 

“Simon, I never introduced you to the others who play with us. That’s Tobi.” He points to a small skinny boy with a bright smile, “And Vik. He’s not that good but he’s cool and sometimes we need a goalie that’s shit.” Vik shouts at him but smiles. Simon says hi to the two boys but can’t shake the feeling of Josh’s eyes on him. 

 

They get together and start a game and immediately Simon is shocked to see how good Josh is, swiftly moving between Ethan and JJ to score a goal. Simon finds himself watching Josh more than playing the actual game. Suddenly without warning the ball is at his feet. Swiftly he dribbles it down the field and glides naturally past Tobi. If there was one thing Simon was good at, it was football. With a swift kick, the ball went flying passed Cal’s head and into the goal. Ethan whoops and cheers for him as JJ gives him a pat on the back. He looks up to see Josh raise an eyebrow at him, Simon smirks back and runs back to his position. They go on like this for a while until all the boys are sweaty and tired. Eventually, one by one the guys go back to their dorms for the night. 

 

Simon watches Josh light up a cigarette off to the side.

 

“Alright, I need to shower and get back to studying,” Ethan says with a stretch.

 

“You coming, Si?” He asks.

 

“No, I think I’m going to stay out here a little longer.” Ethan nods and gathers his things. Simon watches as his frame disappears into the darkness. 

 

Grabbing the ball he does a few tricks and kicks it around. A few moments later a puff of smoke lands in his face. He grimaces.

 

“Stop.” He mutters to Josh who just chuckles and puts the cigarette on the ground, stomping it with his shoe. His hoodie is off and tied around his thin waist. 

 

He takes a seat on the grass and looks up at Simon. He sits as well unsure of what is going on. 

 

“You’re pretty good,” Josh says picking blades of grass out of the ground and twirling them with his fingers. 

 

“Thanks.” 

 

They sit in silence for a while, listening to the crickets as the sky turns black. 

 

“Harry wants to bang you, just thought you should know,” Josh says out of nowhere, taking Simon by complete surprise. 

 

“That’s funny because I heard he’s in love with you and you turned him down.”

 

Josh scoots closer to Simon then, their knees touching. 

 

“I don’t want to talk about Harry.” He whispers, sending a shiver down Simon’s spine. 

 

“Then why’d you bring it up?” Simon asks calmly. He shivers again, this time from the cold. 

 

“Here,” Josh says sliding off his hoodie and handing it over. Without thinking, Simon slips it on. 

 

“Thanks.” He mumbles. It’s big on him and smells good, like really good.

 

They fall back into silence when Simon’s phone vibrates. He takes it out, reading the text.

 

_Phil: Send me a pic *eggplant emoji*_

 

Simon frowns and shoves his phone back in his pockets. He’s been getting texts like this multiple times a day and usually sends them when he requests, mostly because he’d rather send a photo then have a repeat of what happened last time. Simon doesn’t understand why he can’t just get off to the photos he’s already sent.

 

His phone vibrates again. He notices Josh’s eyes look up. Simon can only really make out some of his silhouette in the darkness. 

 

_Phil: $$$$ remember._

 

Simon bites his lip and looks around for a place to go so he can privately send a quick pic. He knew he could go back to his dorm to do it but he enjoyed sitting out with Josh. He also knew if he left he would want his hoodie back and Simon wasn’t about to give up the warmth. He spots a small bathroom to the left of the field. 

 

“I have to use the bathroom.” He says standing. Josh nods as Simon makes his way across the pitch. 

 

He walks in and hesitates for a moment looking around trying to find the right spot.

 

Fuck it.

 

He slides his shorts and briefs down just enough so his belly button and cock were the only things showing. He takes the pic and looks at it for a moment. Why would anyone want to see this? He’s not even hard. He presses send and waits.

 

_Phil: No I want your ass._

 

Simon curls his hands into fists. You’ve got an ass go look at your own, he wants to say. Instead, he turns and tugs his pants down his hips and brings his phone up. Just as he’s about the take the photo the door swings open and he is meant with a wide-eyed Josh. Simon immediately grabs a hold of his pants and pulls them back up. His face burns with embarrassment. 

 

Josh is silent as his eyes slowly slide up from Simon’s waist to his face. Suddenly he is smirking and walking closer. Simon backs up, his lower back hitting the sink.

 

“What are you doing in here?” He stutters breathlessly.

 

“You were taking a while, I thought you slipped.” He stops before their bodies can make contact but Simon can still see the flecks of yellow in Josh’s piercing eyes. 

 

“Who were sending pictures to?” He whispers, staring at Simon’s lips. 

 

“No- no one.”

 

“Liar,” Josh says. Simon swallows, loudly. 

 

Suddenly Josh is leaning into his ear just like he did a month ago in the back alley of the club.

 

“Wish they were for me.” 

 

With that he steps away, giving Simon one last smirk before he leaves, leaving Simon red and sweaty in an empty bathroom. He’s frozen for a minute, his phone finally bringing him back to reality. 

 

_Phil: I’m waiting._

 

Annoyed, Simon googles twink ass and sends him the first photo he finds. His legs finally start working again as he makes his way back to his dorm. When he gets there Ethan is passed out with his notebooks and textbooks surrounding him. He smiles at that as he crawls into bed, remembering he was still wrapped in Josh’s sweatshirt. 

 

**IX: Halloween Night**

 

“Let’s get a couple rules straight since you seem to have a hard time listening.” Phil says as Simon walks into the door the next Friday. He didn’t even make plans knowing this was going to happen. He felt so bad when he told Ethan he couldn’t go out. He had gotten an A on his test and wanted to celebrate, it makes Simon hate Phil even more. He was tired of the texts and the weird threatening messages. He was tired of being treated like shit, but he wasn’t about to leave school. He loved his classes and seeing his friends… he loved seeing Josh. 

 

Simon just follows him silently up to his room and slides his clothes off waiting to get this over with so he could leave. 

 

“Lay down,” Phil says as he crawls up next to him. Simon listens.

 

“Rule one, Friday nights you are mine. It’s the only day out of the week when I really get to have you. My wife has her “book club” and by book club I mean she’s out getting wine drunk with her country club friends. Two, that shirt I got you, I haven’t seen you wear it once.’

 

Simon’s mind wanders to the ugly shirt he had stuffed in the back of his closet as soon as he got home. 

 

“And lastly, no one can know about this.”

 

“You keep marking me,” Simon says suddenly, his blood boiling, “You don’t want people to know yet you give me hickeys every fucking time.”

 

Phil slaps across the face, hard. Pain slices through his cheek. This is how it is now. 

 

“As I was saying. No one can know.”

 

Simon rubs his throbbing cheek. As if he would tell anyone. He would die of embarrassment. 

 

“Are you done.”

 

Phil stares at him, his eyes dark with a vein popping out of his greying hair.

 

“You have a smart mouth.” His hands grab Simon’s wrists hard. He lets out a yelp.

 

“Looks like I’m going to have to shut you up.” 

 

+++

 

When Simon opens the door to his dorm that night Ethan is still out. It was a little passed 1 in the morning. Simon let’s out a relieved sigh as he slips off his shirt taking a look at himself. He hates what he sees. He hates his body. He hates the purple marks that go along him. His eyes travel to his wrists, finger print marks tightly printed onto him. He gets a blanket and throws it over their small mirror. He doesn’t want to look at himself anymore. 

 

The next morning Simon wakes up and can barely get out of bed. It was Halloween and there was a huge party tonight. There was no way in hell Simon was going. He makes his way (barely) over to the bathroom, not looking in the mirror. He showers and washes his hair twice, as well as his body. When he gets out he dries his hair and quickly dresses in case Ethan would wake up and see him. He grabs his phone to see a good morning text from Phil. He instantly feels nauseous. 

 

He sits at his desk and tries his best to his homework. A couple hours later, Ethan stirs awake.

 

“Good morning.” He says and hearing his voice makes Simon smile for the first time in what feels like days. Speaking of days he hasn’t seen Josh in four. For some reason, he wants to be near him. He makes him feel safe even though when they are together he’s either making out with someone or being an asshole… or he’s high, or drunk… usually high. 

 

Later that evening Simon is sitting in his bed reading a book when Ethan walks in freshly showered and dressed nice but casual. He frowns when he sees Simon.

 

“It’s Halloween and you’re in bed? Are you not coming out.”

 

Simon shakes his head, “I’m not really feeling it.” 

 

“But you were looking forward to it.”

 

_Yeah, but that was before._

 

“I know.” He says. 

 

“Then come on!” Ethan walks over and grabs Simon by the wrist hoisting him up. Without meaning to he yelps out in pain. His wrists were still bruised and sore. 

 

Ethan glances at them, then to his face. He comes in closer as Simon turns his head to the side shielding Ethan’s eyes.

 

“Did someone hit you?” He asks. 

 

Simon shakes his head, “No, I hurt it the night we were playing football.” He quickly lies.

 

Ethan looks at him confused, “That was almost a week ago.” 

 

“So the party,” Simon announces, trying to avert Ethan’s attention. He smiles.

 

“Go shower and get dressed. We’re gonna get fucked.”

 

Since it was a Saturday there was a small chance Phil would reach out to him, but he had his phone on loud just in case. He doesn’t want to make him angry again. 

 

When they arrive at the party music was already pumping and there were tons of college kids. Some dressed up, other, like Ethan and Simon were just dressed casual. 

 

His phone chimes the second he gets out of the car and he wants to scream until he can’t anymore.

 

_Phil: Next time I want you in lace._

 

“I need alcohol,” Simon says immediately as he charges in front of Ethan. He didn’t want to feel anything anymore. 

 

He grabs the first thing he sees and drinks it quickly, a boy next to him cheers him on. He doesn’t care, he wants more. He glances over and sees the boy who was cheering him on holding small pills, he walks over to him.

 

He smiles at the boy and steps closer, reading him. The boy accepts him invading his space. He grabs for Simon’s hips and they sway together for a minute. 

 

Simon looks into his eyes then down at the baggie. The boy understands immediately. Simon opens his mouth as he places the little white pill on his tongue then kisses him, taking Simon by complete surprise. He so was not drunk enough for this but goes with it anyway. The boy says his name, something like Cam or Sam. He doesn’t remember. He just keeps letting the boy’s hands roam his body. Except it’s not the hands he wants. Suddenly a hand grips his shoulder and he turns. Josh.

 

“Excuse me, I need to borrow him.” He tells the boy who frowns. Simon allows Josh to lead him away.

 

“Let go of my wrist.” He hisses. Josh leads him to an empty bedroom and presses him up against the wall. Simon is breathless. 

 

“What were you doing with that guy?” He asks sternly. A glimpse of Phil flashing in his head. He bites his cheek. 

 

“Why do you care?” He asks, pushing away from his embrace. 

 

“I don’t,” he says suddenly, coy Josh suddenly coming back. Simon scoffs.

 

“Good, I’m happy you don’t care, now if you don’t mind I’m going to go find him and most likely fuck him so if you’ll excuse me.” Simon tries to push past him when he grabs his wrist once more. Simon yelps in pain and pulls away. Josh stares at him, then his wrist. Simon tries to hide it behind his back when Josh grabs his arms.

 

“Let go of me.” He says but Josh is already pulling up the sleeves to his button down. His eyes flash into something Simon hasn’t seen before. Pure anger.

 

“Who did this to you?” 

 

Simon pulls his hand away once more, “No one.” He mumbles but he knows it’s no use. Josh has seen him. 

 

“Simon.” The way Josh says his name makes his heart feel heavy in his chest.

 

“Just go, Josh.” He says as tears swell in his eyes. “Just fucking go find Harry or someone and stop acting like for once you give a shit.” 

 

“I do give a shit.” Josh says and it’s the first sincere thing he’s heard him say since he met him. 

 

Simon wants to believe him. He wants to believe that under the tattoos and the smoking and drinking that Josh is a good person but he can’t. He’s heard too much. 

 

“I’m going to go now and you’re not going to follow me.” 

 

“What are you so afraid of?” 

 

That makes Simon stop. He’s afraid of letting Josh in. He’s afraid that if he gives himself to him he will take one look at his damaged and used body and throw him away. He’s scared he’ll ask about his family and then he’ll have to say he doesn’t have one. 

 

“Everything.” 

 

With that Josh lets him leave. Slowly the pill starts kicking in and Simon goes numb. He finds himself sitting on a couch, Cam/Sam finds him and attaches his teeth to his neck. Simon barely feels it. Off in the corner, Josh is making out with some girl, and Simon watches as he leads her up the stairs. Before he knows it he’s in a bedroom with his pants down.

 

“How did your thighs get like this?” The boy asks. Simon only allowed him to take his pants off, stating his shirt has to stay on.

 

“Just get me off.” He mumbles so the boy does.

 

When he’s finished and Simon pants are back on he leaves. Roaming all the rooms and hallways. He hasn’t seen Ethan since he arrived. Before he knows it he’s back to the alcohol table taking shot after shot. Then it goes black.

 

+++

 

Simon wakes up to a pounding headache. He grabs around for his phone. The time reads 3am. He looks around and doesn’t recognize the room or where he is. Suddenly Josh walks out of the bathroom, a glass of water in his hand. He walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. Simon sits up as well.

 

“How did I get up here?” He asks, his stomach turning over.

 

“You passed out, so I brought you up here instead of letting people walk all over you.” He shrugs like it was no big deal.

 

“Why do you always act like nothing matters?” Simon finds himself asking. He’s still a little drunk. 

 

“Because it doesn’t.” 

 

Simon watches as Josh pulls out a joint and lights it. He holds it out to Simon but he shakes his head. 

 

Maybe him and Josh aren’t so different. 

 

They sit in silence for what seems like forever.

 

“Did that boy get you off?” Josh asks, finally breaking the silence. 

 

Simon nods, “Did that girl get you off?”

 

Josh nods. Simon bites his lip. 

 

“You do that you know.. the lip thing.” Josh sort of smiles, “When you’re nervous or don’t know what to say.” 

 

“I haven’t noticed,” Simon says, but he has because he’s been doing it since he was a kid. He doesn’t understand how Josh recognizes all these little things about him. No one has ever cared enough to pick up the little things he does. 

 

“You rub your cross tattoo when you’re upset,” Simon says, noticing him doing it at the moment.

 

Josh looks down like he didn’t even know he was doing it, “I got it after my dad died.” He says. 

 

Simon frowns, “I’m sorry.” 

 

Josh shrugs, “A friend did it for me before Uni, then I just got more, I guess they are like a comfort thing.” 

 

Simon doesn’t understand why Josh is telling him all this. He didn’t even think they were friends. 

 

“My dad left when I was little, I don’t even remember that he looks like,” Simon finds himself saying.

 

“My step-dad is an asshole,” Josh responds. 

 

“My mum’s boyfriend is an asshole.”

 

Josh looks up and smiles at him, silence falls once more.

 

“Hey Josh,” Simon says shyly. 

 

“Mm?” 

 

“Will you, uh, maybe lay with me?” He asks. Without answering Josh crawls up next to him and gets under the covers. Simon turns towards him and they are facing each other. Suddenly Josh brings a finger up and runs it across the side of Simon’s cheek Phil hit. Ever so slowly he leans closer and Simon’s stomach fills with butterflies. Josh lightly presses his lips against Simon’s. They go on like this for a while, Josh exploring the new taste he’s been craving for weeks. Simon opens his mouth, allowing Josh’s tongue to slip in as the kiss deepens. Josh’s hand slides down and grips his hips and Simon tenses up. They pull apart and all Simon can do is stare at the other boy breathlessly, wanting to kiss him again, so he does. Light and soft. Josh leans his forehead against Simon’s and lets out a breath. 

 

“I’m sleepy.” He says, scooping Simon up in his arms so Simon’s head is laying on his chest. Just then Simon yawns.

 

“Me too.” He feels safe and warm in Josh’s arms. He wants nothing more than to pull him in again and smell him and touch him. He wants to close his eyes and let Josh’s hands roam his body. But he can’t because he is afraid of what Josh will see. 

 

**X: Fresh Bites**

 

Simon wakes up from his slumber with Josh’s arms tightly wrapped around him but it doesn’t hurt. He looks over and watches the peaceful boy sleep, his chest rising and falling softly. He looks so happy, so serene. 

 

Carefully, Simon lifts himself out of his embrace and Josh frowns in his sleep. Simon brings a hand to his pounding head and makes his way out of the bedroom. When he gets back to his dorm he feels guilty he left Josh there all alone but Simon is confused. He doesn’t know what was going on or how to stop the tightening in his chest when he thought about how good it felt to have Josh’s lips on his, how much better he smelt and felt than Phil. 

 

He thinks about Josh the rest of the day, sliding on his sweatshirt as he cleans up the dorm and does some homework. Ethan notices the difference in Simon but doesn’t say anything, just laughing loudly every time Simon does some stupid dance move. For once in weeks he feels hopeful. 

 

+++

 

The weather is freezing. It’s Thursday evening and Simon shivers as he wraps his jacket around his frame tighter, making his way to the coffee shop. He orders his usual and takes a seat by the window watching. I. He hasn’t seen Josh since their secret kiss that night on Halloween and that makes him even sadder. Is it awful to say that Simon is used to Phil? He is used to the texts and the aggressiveness. He is used to coming home with new bruises and having to soak his sore limbs in epson salt. He doesn’t want it anymore. He wants to break off the deal but he doesn’t, all because he can’t risk not seeing Josh again. 

 

The last time he spoke to Lewis he asked him how things were going with Phil and Simon lied, saying that things were going fine and he was being treated kindly. He couldn’t tell Lewis the truth because he’d probably kill Phil with his own two hands, but luckily Lewis was coming to visit in a couple weeks to help Simon pack for Christmas break and Simon was extremely excited to see him. 

 

As if on cue Simon spots the familiar frame and brown hair in the distance, making his way into the same coffee shop Simon is sitting in. He sucks in a breath, It’s been a month since Simon has seen him and a rush of emotions fill him. He didn’t realize how much his heart missed him until he saw him. Everyone was busy with school. It seems December is the time when everyone starts freaking out because well, exams were coming up and school was being let out until the new year. Simon was worried as well, many nights him and Ethan were crammed in the library looking over many textbooks even when the other lads wanted to go out. It was almost the end of the semester, no more fucking around. 

 

Simon looks up and sees Josh walk over to him and sits down as if it was normal. 

 

“Hey.” He says, taking his scarf off and hanging it on the back of the chair. 

 

Simon bites his lip and looks at him for a moment. He can smell him and dear god he missed seeing him. 

 

“Hi.” 

 

“I haven’t seen you in a while,” He says and Simon can’t help but frown when he sees the two purply bruises on his neck. Josh notices his eyes and clears his throat. 

 

“I’ve been busy studying, winter break is coming up so…” Simon trails off.

 

Josh nods, “So are you going home for break?” He asks.

 

Simon shakes his head, “No, I’m staying with Lewis.”

 

Something flashes in Josh’s eyes, “Lewis?” He asks.

 

Simon just nods, “Yeah, he was my flatmate before I came here.”

 

“Flatmate.” Josh repeats. 

 

Simon smirks and looks up at Josh. “Yes, my flatmate.”

 

Josh just nods his head, avoiding his eyes, “Cool.” 

 

Simon sighs, this boy is impossible, “So what have you been up to?” He asks casually. Josh shrugs.

 

“Nothing I guess.” Simon forgets Josh doesn’t give a shit about school. He wonders how he doesn’t get kicked out, he’s guessing his family has the money to buy off the school board.

 

Simon remains silent, his eyes glance down to his neck again, he can’t help it. 

 

“I know you’re looking at my neck,” Josh says, an amused tone in his voice.

 

Simon scoffs, “It’s not my business.” He says but internally he wants to scream that he belongs to him and no one else. 

 

“If it helps I imagined it was you.” 

 

Simon rolls his eyes and ignores the butterflies in his stomach, “It doesn’t.” 

 

“Your neck is clean for once,” Josh says admiring the clear milky skin, wanting to sink his teeth into it. 

 

Simon thinks back to telling Phil that if he leaves another mark that is visible he was going to tell his wife and the school board that he forced him into sex. After he screamed and fucked him twice he agreed. 

 

“It’s no longer my thing.” As if he had a say in the first place.

 

“Yeah, and why’s that.” 

 

“I don’t want to be anyone’s property anymore.” As soon as he says it he wants to take it back. 

 

Josh looks at him but doesn’t say anything and in this moment Simon wishes he had the power to read minds because for whatever reason he just couldn’t figure Josh Bradley out. 

 

They sit in silence, something that has become a routine of theirs. Simon opens his biology book and skims the pages as he finishes his tea. The whole time he can feel Josh’s eyes on him. 

 

Eventually, he closes his book and stretches. “I should go back to my room.” 

 

Josh nods, “Want some company?”

 

Simon hesitates as he puts his books back in his bag, “And why would I want you as company?” He cocks an eyebrow. 

 

“You know, it’s cold outside… and dark, you might need someone to protect you,” 

 

Simon snorts and before he can get a word out Josh is already sliding his old jean jacket on and holding the door open for Simon. 

 

He walks out and allows Josh to walk beside him in an easy going stride. He didn’t have a choice, Josh wasn’t taking no for an answer…. at least that’s what Simon tells himself.

 

Simon takes his key out of his pocket and sighs in relief to find that it’s there. He’s been forgetting it a lot lately, causing Ethan to drop what he’s doing to let him back in. He opens the dorm and is about to close the door when Josh lets himself in.

 

“What do you think you’re doing?”

 

Josh slides his jacket off easily and plops onto Simon’s bed, kicking off his shoes in the process.

 

“It’s cold and my dorm is across campus. Let me chill and warm up for a bit.”  

 

Simon bites his lip. Ethan wouldn’t be home for another hour meaning it would just be him and Josh, in a small confined space, with a bed. 

 

Stop thinking those things.

 

He eventually sighs and kicks his own shoes off as well, ‘Fine, I suppose.” He sits on Ethan’s bed that is directly across from his own and watches Josh. He watches as he picks up the books on his side table and ruffles through them, he then watches him get up and move over to his desk, looking at his notebooks and textbooks as if he’s trying to read Simon through his things. It may be working. Finally he opens the closet and pulls out the hideous Ralph Lauren Polo out and stares at it, finally, he turns to Simon and smiles.

 

“I have the same one at home, but I lost it like a month ago.”

 

“You’re lucky, that shirts ugly as shit,” Simon mumbles, instantly in a bad mood. Suddenly Josh is next to him in bed, so close he can smell the cigarette Josh smoked on the way over. 

 

“Now what has Ralph ever done to you?” 

 

Simon knows Josh is joking but he can’t help but think about all of the horrible things that shirt reminds him of. 

 

“Too fucking much,” Simon shakes his head and tries to smile but his heart feels heavy.

 

“Can I tell you something?” Josh whispers, the whole room shifting.

 

Simon nods. 

 

“I can’t stop thinking about Halloween, and you and… fuck Simon.” He trails off and Simon sucks in a breath. He was not expecting that. 

 

He can’t think of anything to say so he turns to Josh. “Who gave you those.” Once again looking at his neck. 

 

“No one who matters.”  He leans in closer, his hot breath hitting Simon’s shoulders. He shudders.

 

“Josh,” His voice trails off as Josh’s hand lands on his knee and squeezes slightly. He doesn’t say anything, he closes his eyes as Josh’s hand lets go of his knee and moves slowly up to his arm to his shoulder, his long fingers sliding over Simon’s collar bones gently. Suddenly Josh’s mouth is on his neck, sucking and biting at his flesh. He can’t help but let out a soft sigh. His stomach drops as his jeans grow tight from the heat pooling into his belly. 

 

Josh pushes him back into the bed and crawls on top of him, aligning his pelvis with Simon’s and grinds his hips down forcefully. Simon openly moans, gripping the back of his shirt. 

 

Everything was different. 

 

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” Simon manages as Josh moves from his neck and onto his lips, shushing him by sucking and pulling until they were rubbed raw. 

 

Fuck it. He needs Josh. Hungrily, Simon grinds his hips up to get the friction Josh was denying him. Josh laughs into his mouth. 

 

“Eager are we?” He asks, his hand slipping lower until he was rubbing Simon over his jeans. He knew he needed to stop Josh. He knew he would eventually reach for his shirt and it would all be over. He also knew he was going to have a hickey in the place where Josh’s sweet mouth was and he knew Phil was going to kill him for it. But he didn’t care. 

 

“Please,” Simon manages as he pulls Josh down into him, touching and rubbing and licking every open piece of skin he can find. Josh moans loudly from Simon’s want. The fact that he was practically begging for Josh almost made him cum just from the thought. 

 

Josh’s hands slide lower until they are gripping the hem of Simon’s shirt. He grabs Josh’s wrists and moves them lower so they are gripping his hips. 

 

Josh frowns, “I want to see more of you.” He moans into Simon’s ear. He needed more than just fabric. He wanted all of him. 

 

“Clothes stay on,” Simon mumbles, bringing Josh back down onto him. The older boy murmurs a complaint but Simon shushes him with his tongue. 

 

Josh goes on exploring Simon’s body, gripping and squeezing at his waist and sucking kisses onto his wrists and hands. Simon knew the older boy he was getting frustrated. His hard cock presses harshly into Simon’s thigh as he almost cries out for more friction. Simon feels the same, his dick just as hard and leaking as Josh’s. 

 

“Please, just let me touch you,” Josh begs into Simon’s hair, both boys sweaty from their clothes. Simon swallows harshly and slides his jeans down, the outline of his cock visible in his thin Calvin’s. Josh slides his jeans down as well and once again presses their hips together. This time, with less fabric, he can easily pick up the pace. 

 

“Fuck,” Josh moans he finds the right pace. Simon clings to him as his orgasm forms deep in him. He wasn’t going to last much longer, especially not with Josh moaning like that in his ear. 

 

A moment later Josh’s hand slips into Simon’s shirt and instinctively he reaches in and grabs it, sliding it back down rest near his side. Instead of questioning it Josh decides to do something better. Without warning, he slips his hands into Simon’s briefs and grabs his leaking cock and starts pumping his hand up and down. Simon throws his head back into his pillow and squeezes his eyes shut. Josh takes his thumb and runs it over his slit before going to play with his balls. He has Simon going crazy.

 

“Jesus Christ you look so beautiful.” Josh murmurs, placing a kiss on his neck. 

 

“Look at me,” Josh instructs and Simon does. His blue eyes enthralled with green. He openly moans knowing he wasn’t going to last much longer. Josh loves the way Simon looks when he’s about to orgasm. The way his eyes gloss over as if he’s in another time. The thought of anyone else but him going near this boy made Josh’s blood turn cold. 

 

“I’m so close, Josh.” Simon moans then, bringing Josh out of his own thoughts. 

 

“Whenever you’re ready baby.” He says, pumping his hand faster now to bring Simon to his climax. With a loud moan, Simon is coming all over Josh’s hand and his briefs. Josh then quickly gives himself a few good tugs and is coming moments later as well, all by watching Simon come down from his high. 

 

Without thinking Simon curls up next to Josh. He doesn’t say anything. Instead, he listens as Josh’s heart rate returns to normal. 

 

“I’m going to show real quick.” Simon pushes himself off the mattress and goes into the bathroom. He gawks at himself in the mirror and immediately comes out, face red and upset. Josh notices immediately and sits up.

 

“What’s wrong?” He asks. 

 

“My neck, Josh you marked me.” One small hickey was an understatement, he had three purple bruises forming under his ear. 

 

Josh smiles proudly, “Yeah, I did.” 

 

No no no no.

 

This is not okay. Panic runs through Simon’s chest and he squeezes his eyes closed. It was Thursday. He had to go see Phil tomorrow. 

 

“I’m going to throw up.” He says then, turning and running back towards the bathroom. He barely makes it to the toilet before his lunch is coming back up. He feels Josh place a hand on his back and he flinches. When he is done, he flushes the toilet and stands, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand.

 

“Are you okay?” Josh asks him, his eyes wide. He looks vulnerable and soft and if Simon wasn’t in the middle of an anxiety attack he would have reached out and rubbed his thumb along his cheek.

 

“Please go.” He manages. 

 

“What?”

 

“Just fucking go,” Simon shouts angrily, immediately hating himself when he sees the look on  
Josh’s face. Tears well in Simon’s eyes as he watches Josh grab his phone off the table and go, but not before scoffing and shaking his head. He falls to the ground, head in his hands. 

 

He was going to be punished tomorrow and he deserved it.

 

+++

 

The next day he decides he isn’t leaving his dorm room until he inevitably had to meet with Phil. Ethan asks him if he was sick and all he does is nod. He misses his classes and doesn’t eat anything. He can’t stomach it. He is terrified of this man, absolutely and utterly terrified. 

 

Later that night his phone buzzes with a text. Right on time. With a deep breath, Simon pushes himself up and goes into the bathroom to stretch himself so Phil wouldn’t hurt him. When he is finished he walks out and grabs a cab, not bothering to brush his teeth or shower. He didn’t care anymore. 

 

Simon knocks on the door and Phil stares at him blankly when he opens it. 

 

“You’re not wearing the shirt I asked you to.” 

 

_Shit._

 

“Sorry, I uh, I forgot.” Simon ditched the Ralph Lauren polo for a hoodie to hide his neck. Not that it would do him much good. He couldn’t be mad at Josh. It wasn’t his fault, but Simon wasn’t upset about the marks, he was upset that he sent him away and how sad his eyes looked. He wonders what Josh is doing right now or who he’s with. The thought hurts his heart. 

 

“Fucking figures,” Phil mutters, turning and walking upstairs, Simon follows. 

 

Phil closes the door behind them and takes off his shirt, throwing it to the ground. Phil stops and waits for Simon to do the same and when he doesn’t Phil walks over and grabs his face, turning it to the sides, inspecting him.

 

“When’s the last time you shaved?” 

 

“A couple days ago, maybe?” Simon shrugs.

 

“Go into the bathroom and shave, there’s a razor underneath the sink.” 

 

“What, why?” Simon questions. Phil stares at him like he’s stupid.

 

“Because you look like trash, that’s why. And be naked when you come out.” With that, Phil plop on the bed and starts jerking himself off. Simon turns and silently walks into the bathroom. He looks at himself in the mirror for a moment, frowning. Josh didn’t say anything about the few hairs he had growing, they weren’t even noticeable. He grabs the razor from under the sink like Phil said and turns it on, he slides it over his chin and upper lip, making sure he was smooth for Phil. When he is done he turns the light off and walks back into the bedroom.

 

“Why aren’t you naked?” Simon can tell Phil’s patience is running slim. Slowly he slides off his pants, then his hoodie and shirt, angling his neck is a way he hopes the man won’t see. 

 

“What’s wrong with you?” He rolls his eyes and pushes himself up from the bed. He walks over and shoves Simon into the mattress, he falls onto his back and Phil glares at his neck.

 

“The fuck are those.” He says angrily. He brings his finger up and pokes them hard, Simon yelps in pain.

 

Phil scoffs then, his eyes wild and laugh sinister, “I don’t know I even bother with you anymore. Used up, worthless piece of trash.” 

 

Simon’s mum flashes into his head. Maybe they were all right about him. Maybe he was worthless after all. 

 

“You’re going to regret this Simon Minter,” Phil spits in his ear, Simon closes his eyes and waits for it to end.

 

 

**XI. Because I let my guard down.**

 

Simon lays his head down in his hands and tried not to fall asleep. It’s been a week since the incident with Phil and Simon no longer feels like himself. He is useless and worthless and he can’t believe it’s taken him this long to finally figure it out. He was a fuck up and he’s always going to be. He didn’t deserve Ethan or the other guys he’s met and he sure as hell didn’t deserve Josh…

 

Josh, the only person Simon can think of that makes him feel safe. The night when Phil cracked his ribs and bruised his lip with his fist he didn’t care because he had hurt Josh. And Josh didn’t deserve him. 

 

Simon slowly opens his eyes and tries to focus on his calculus homework. He’s behind severely on his school work. He can’t concentrate. He is failing History and has a low D in Biology. He may not even have to drop out, they may kick him out on his own. Tomorrow is Friday, the last day of classes until next semester and Simon no longer cares. He doesn’t care about his grades or what Phil does to him anymore. He decides he probably wasn’t coming back to school for the spring term. He was going to move back in with Lewis and work at the Grill where he belonged. The thought of leaving Josh behind made anxiety rush through him, though Josh hasn’t tried to reach out since the night Simon freaked out on him.  He closes his textbook.

 

He can’t concentrate. 

 

+++

 

Friday night Simon leaves Phil’s house not feeling much. Even his bum is used to it. He walks out and pulls out a cigarette, a filthy habit he didn’t mind picking up. He digs around his pockets.

 

“Fuck!” His breath comes out in a puff from the night air. He left his key in his dorm. He pulls out his phone to call Ethan but it’s dead. He shoves the dead device back in his pocket. 

 

“Motherfucker,” He mumbles under his breath. He takes this time to smoke the rest of his square, putting it out with the toe of his shoe and leaving it in the driveway. 

 

20 minutes later a cab is dropping him off at his dorm. He walks up to his room and pounds on the door.

 

“Ethan!” He shouts a couple times, but it was useless. Ethan was out. Simon wanders around the hallways for a little bit, taking his time running his hands along the white walls. Eventually, he finds himself outside walking to the next building over and walking inside to Josh’s dorm room. He doesn’t even know if he is in there. He knocks not once but 3 times. Eventually, Josh opens the door, naked besides a pair of tiny briefs. When Simon looks in he sees a naked girl on his bed. Simon rolls his eyes and pushes past Josh. The girl glares at him.

 

“Have you guys fucked yet, or?” He questions, plopping on the bed next to her. Josh tries to hide a smirk and shakes his head. He then turns his attention to the girl.

 

“You need to leave,” He says. 

 

“What? He is the one who came barging in, tell him to leave.” 

 

Josh just looks at her blankly, eventually, she gets the hint and gets dressed, slamming the door on her way out. Josh takes a seat next to Simon. 

 

“You’re freakishly thin you know., you don’t have like, an eating disorder do you?” Josh says. 

 

Simon snorts, “No, I don’t have an eating disorder.”

 

“Then how come you never take your shirt off.” 

 

“Josh, are we going to sit here and talk about me, or would you rather me suck your dick?” Simon says. 

 

Josh’s eyes grow wide as he stutters out an answer, “I mean, I wouldn’t min—“ 

 

With that Simon straddles him and kissing along his neck and chest. He craves the affection from Josh. He grinds down forcefully in his lap and feels his dick grow against his thigh. Simon smirks.

 

“Wait, wait,” Josh says, streaming his hips. Simon looks at him innocently and bites his lip.

 

“Yes?” 

 

Josh closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, this boy was going to kill him. “Why are you here?”

 

Simon frowns, “You don’t want me here then?”

 

“I never said that, I just..”

 

“Then stop talking.” Simon slides down onto his knees in front of Josh as his green eyes look down at him, his eyes wide. Simon slips off his Calvin’s and his leaking cock falls across his belly. Simon picks it up hungrily and takes all of him. Josh lets out a sharp moan and tangles his hand in Simon’s hair. He starts moving his mouth up and down, his long member hitting the back of his throat.

 

“Simon, Jesus.” Josh moans, thrusting his hips up to meet Simon’s lips. The older boy coming undone by Simon’s mouth.  

 

Simon keeps sucking until Josh is moaning and muttering inaudible words. Simon is hard as a rock but refuses to let himself come. He doesn’t deserve pleasure, but Josh, he deserved so much. 

 

Simon takes Josh out with a pop and licks down his base before putting just the tip in, swirling his tongue around his slit. 

 

“I’m going to come,” Josh says breathlessly. Simon looks up at him then and opens his mouth as he takes his hand and gives Josh’s dick a good tug. Seconds later Josh is coming down his threat with a line of curses trailing out of his beautiful mouth. Simon swallows his load and sits up next to him. Josh slides his underwear back on and looks at him.

 

“What was that all about.” He asks, his pupils blown from the high.

 

Simon shrugs, “I just missed you.” 

 

Josh laughs, “A simple hi, I miss you, would have worked just fine.” 

 

He then looks down at the obvious tent in Simon’s boxers. “Let me get that,” He mumbles, his hand reaching for Simon’s crotch as he pulls away. 

 

“I’m good,” He smiles, kissing Josh’s neck. He lightly pushes Simon back.

 

“You’re not good, you’ve lost like 10 pounds and your breath smells like nicotine.” 

 

Simon’s heart flutters. Josh still notices things about him that anyone else wouldn’t even care about. 

 

“I’m fine, Josh,” Simon says, kissing up his neck again. Josh pulls away.

 

“What the fuck?” Simon says, his voice frustrated.

 

“Take your shirt off.” Josh states.

 

Simon flinches, "No."

 

“Simon, take it off.” 

 

“Fuck off Josh, leave me alone.” He stands, afraid of Josh when he shouldn’t be. 

 

Josh must have noticed the terror in Simon’s eyes because he stops, “Are you afraid of me?” He asks.

 

Simon swallows, “I’m not afraid of you, you just—“

 

“Reminded you of someone else.” Josh finishes for him.

 

Simon freezes and looks at the ground.

 

“I know you are with someone who isn’t treating you kindly. It kills me to see you like this Simon but I can’t help you if you won’t let me.” 

 

“I’m fine,” Simon says again, he doesn’t know who he is trying to convince anymore, Josh or himself. 

 

“Is he your boyfriend or something?” He asks sadly, “Is that why you freaked out when I marked you? Because you knew he would get angry?” 

 

This is all too much for Simon. He sits on the edge of the bed, “I can’t show you.” He whispers, not wanting to let his guard down.

 

Josh just scoops him up, “Please stop seeing him.” Simon didn’t notice the small tears in Josh’s eyes until just now.

 

Simon shakes his head, “It’s complicated.” 

 

“Not with me. I will protect you, I won’t ever let anyone hurt you.” 

 

Simon feels completely defenseless. 

 

_I love you_

 

He thinks.

 

“Thank you,”

 

He says.

 

 

**XII: For your eyes only.**

 

On Sunday, Simon awakens to a rainy morning He is all packed up to go back to his old flat and see Lewis. The thought of seeing him makes Simon’s heart want to leap out of his chest, but there is one thing. He is going to miss Josh. Though Phil registered him for the spring semester he was going to come back in January and withdrawal. He already told Ethan who actually cried as they were packing up to leave, he was planning to tell Lewis over break. 

 

He arrives at Lewis’ house a little afternoon. Christmas eve was two days away and he may or may not have run to the store on Saturday and got Josh a Christmas card. He couldn’t afford a present but it’s the thought that counts and all that shit. He was going to give it to him the next time he saw him, which was hopefully soon. They promised to meet up over break. 

 

He knocks on the door and Lewis almost tramples him to the ground. Simon had called him last night to make sure it was still okay for him to come stay with him. He said yes but was leaving Christmas Eve to the Netherlands with his whole family, but promised Simon the flat. 

 

Yes, he would be having Christmas all alone, but he planned on watching the Home Alone movies with a turkey tv dinner. It didn’t sound too bad. 

 

When Christmas Eve rolled around Lewis scooped Simon up into a long hug and promised to see him when he got back. 

 

Currency having the house to himself, Simon flops down on the couch and starts flipping through channels when his phone rings. 

 

Josh’s name flashes across his screen. He mutes the tv and sucks in a breath.

 

“Hello?” 

 

“Hey.” 

 

Simon smiles when he hears his voice.

 

“How are you?” Josh asks, his voice deep and soothing.

 

“Good, how are you?”

 

Simon can hear Josh’s smile through the phone, “I’m good, how is Lewis’ house?”

 

“Oh, Lewis is on holiday so I have the flat to myself, yay.” He tries to make it sound less pathetic. 

 

“You’re alone on Christmas?”

 

“Yeah, but it was a last minute thing.” The other line is quiet for a while.

 

“Come have dinner at my house and stay over so you don’t have to be alone,” Josh says then.

 

“Are you sure?” Simon brightens up immediately, being with Josh sounds way better than his plan of wanking then eating a tub of ice cream. 

 

“Of course, we have plenty of room.” 

 

Simon laughs lightly, “Okay. Text me your address.” 

 

Simon quickly showers and gets dressed. He then grabs his phone to read off the address when his blood runs cold. He drops the phone on the couch as his hands start to shake. Josh has sent him the wrong address surely because that address is the address to Phil’s house and that’s impossible. Panic rises in Simon’s chest and he feels as if he no longer can find air. He kneels down and places his head in between his knees.

 

_Please. Please let it stop._

 

After five minutes his breathing returns to normal. His phone dings with a text and Simon reads it.

 

_Josh: Let me know when you’re on your way, my mum and stepdad are excited to meet you._

 

Simon sucks in a sharp breath. 

 

_stepdad, stepdad, stepdad, stepdad. No._

 

There has to be a mistake. He needs to make sure. He calls a cab and 20 minutes later he is pulling up to the house he’s seen a dozen times before, except this time Josh is inside, waiting for him. With shaky hands, Simon buzzes the gate and it opens. 

 

He walks up the drive and wipes his sweaty palms on the back of his jeans before knocking on the door. Josh opens it a moment later with a smile. Simon tries to return it but fails. 

 

“Hi.” He says.

 

Simon smiles weakly, feeling sick, “Hi,” He manages.

 

Josh turns his body sideways so Simon can slide past time, “Come on in.”

 

Simon walks into the familiar room and his stomach sinks. He knows the rooms and the walls and the ceilings. He thinks he might actually throw up.

 

“Come on, I promised my mum and Phil they could meet you before dinner is brought out.”

 

Phil. Breathe. 

 

When Simon walks into the dining area Phil’s eyes fall on him with a hard glare. He swallows, fear twisting inside him. 

 

_He can’t hurt you if you’re with Josh._

 

Suddenly his glare turns into a smile, “Hi. I’m Mr. Mathews, but you can call me Phil.”

 

The older man grabs Simon’s hand and squeezes hard, he tried not to grimace in pain. 

 

“Nice to meet you,” He manages.

 

“And this is my mum,” Josh says, motioning towards a beautiful woman wearing diamonds around her neck. 

 

“Hello Ma’am,” Simon says, shaking her hand lightly. 

 

“Josh, you didn’t tell me your boyfriend was so handsome,” His mother gushes. Simon turns bright red and Phil clears his throat loudly. 

 

“Boyfriend?” Simon mumbles looking over at Josh who shrugs sheepishly. 

 

“Why don’t we sit,” Josh suggests, pulling Simon’s chair out for him. He thanks him, noting how not Josh he looks in a soft burgundy sweater and black jeans. His tattoos hidden away, he still smells the same, however, and that makes Simon smile. 

 

“So Simon do you go to school with Josh?” Phil asks later after they’ve all had their food and are finishing up. He freezes.

 

“Uh, yes I do.” He says back, hoping his voice doesn’t appear as shaky as he thinks it does. 

 

“And how did you meet my step-son?” He shoves a piece of tenderloin into his mouth.

 

Simon takes a gulp of wine before answering, shooting Josh an apologetic look, “We met at a party my first week.” 

 

He sees the vein in Phil’s neck slightly pop. 

 

“I instantly knew he was the one.” Simon grabs his hand not thinking about what he was doing as the other boy's eyes grow wide, Josh shoots him an amused and confusing look. 

 

“I think I’ve lost my appetite. Alice, don’t let the boys share a bedroom, it’s inappropriate.” He pushes his chair back and walks away.

 

“It was really nice meeting you, Mr. Mathews,” Simon shouts sweetly, the older man shakes is head as he storms away. Alice excuses herself.

 

“What the fuck was that all about?” Josh asks him, he doesn’t seem annoyed, instead, he has a huge smile on his face. 

 

“I have no idea,” Simon says but instead of feeling happy he feels guilty and dirty and awful. 

 

“Do you want to go to my room to watch a movie?” Josh asks him then, pushing his chair back, “I think Rudolf is on.”

 

Simon snorts but follows Josh upstairs, avoiding Phil’s bedroom. For the first time since being here, he is getting to see Josh’s room. When Josh opens the door Simon enters, taking in a deep breath. This was Josh’s. The smell and the look were his. He spotted his old jean jacket on the floor next to his vans. His desk was covered in books and random drawings, yet it was clean and organized. It was perfect. Simon spots the king bed and basically falls into it.

 

“I would never leave this bed if it was mine.” He mumbles into the soft blankets. 

 

“I would never leave this bed if you were the one in it,” Josh responds, crawling up next to him. Simon smiles and snuggles into his embrace. Josh turns on his tv and just like he said, Rudolf was on and it was just starting.

 

Simon tries his hardest to concentrate on the film but he can’t. He needs to tell Josh about Phil, the guilt was eating him alive. The movie eventually ends and another Christmas film comes on after that Simon tries to sit through as well. Finally, he decides it’s time to tell him, no matter what the consequences may be. 

 

Simon sits up to tell Josh when he notices he has fallen asleep, breathing easily. Simon can’t help but smile. He looks at the time and it reads 11:45. Trying not to wake him Simon places a small kiss on his lips. Josh smiles and opens his eyes lazily.

 

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Simon says quietly. 

 

“It’s okay.” He mumbles, sleepily. Simon reaches his hand up and runs his finger along his cheekbones, Josh sighs into his touch. 

 

“Josh,” Simon mumbles then, deciding it was time to show him. 

 

“Hm?” 

 

“Will you kiss me.” 

 

Josh smiles at that and leans down, attaching his lips to Simon’s. Simon opens his mouth hungrily, silently asking Josh for more. He listens and deepens the kiss, running his tongue along Simon’s bottom lip as he bites it softly. Simon moans into his mouth and pushes him back into the bed as he straddles him. 

 

“I want you to fuck me,” Simon says suddenly. 

 

Josh’s eyes shoot open. “Are you sure?” He asks. Simon nods.

 

“Please.” 

 

“Can I take your shirt off?”

 

Simon nods as he feels tears fill his eyes. Slowly he allows Josh to pull his shirt over his head. Josh bites his lip when he sees Simon’s bruised body. _He’s going to push me away_ , Simon thinks. Instead, Josh kisses up his ribs softly, before attaching his mouth onto his left nipple, sucking lightly.

 

“Fuck,” Simon moans as Josh’s hand rubs over his right one. He lets go of his nipple and gabs at his pants, sliding them slowly down his ankles. He is naked then, in front of Josh. He can now see everything. Every bruise, every rib, every scar. 

 

Josh takes his own clothes off until they were both bare infront of each other. 

 

“You’re beautiful,” Josh mumbles, pulling Simon back on top of him. Simon straddles Josh’s hips as the older boy grabs the back of his thighs and kisses along his collar bones. Simon moans as he grinds against him, both growing hard from the contact. Hungrily Josh turns Simon over so he is laying on his back.

 

“Just let me touch you,” Josh says, his hands slowly starting at his neck as they run down his belly.He leans his head down and licks the sensitive spot between Simon’s thighs, making him gasp in pleasure. Josh takes him into his mouth then, grabbing his hand and squeezing him tightly. 

 

“If you keep that up—“ Simon moans breathlessly, not being able to finish his sentence. He throws his head back when his tip hit the back of Josh’s throat. Letting out a steady stream of fucks as he was reaching his climax.

 

“Josh,” He whines, knowing he wasn’t going to last. The older boy decides to tease him, slightly licking around his tip, barely touching him. Simon was going insane. 

 

“Please,” He moans when Josh takes his deep again.

 

“I like when you beg for it.” Josh moans against his belly, popping off before Simon has a chance to come. 

 

Simon closes his eyes as his hard cock flops on his stomach, leaking precome and begging to be touched again. 

 

“What would you like me to do now?” Josh asks politely, looking at Simon with lust filled eyes, ready to do whatever he asks. 

 

Simon wasn’t used to being asked what he wants. He was just an object to Phil, but to Josh, he was a person. 

 

“Finger me,” Simon mumbles, turning himself around and putting his bum up in the air. 

 

“Fuck,” Josh bites his lip at the site of how eager Simon was for him. He reaches into his bedside table and quickly pulls out some lube. He didn’t want to hurt him. 

 

Slowly he rubs along Simon’s hole, causing small moans to escape Simon’s pretty lips. He then slides a finger in all the way down the knuckle then out, not being able to get over how tight Simon is. 

 

Simon moans loudly to this and Josh doesn’t bother to shush him. He slides it in again and picks up the pace, he adds another finger and soon enough Simon is grinding down onto his hand, begging for more. He gasps when Josh hits his prostate. He wants him inside of him, now.

 

“Fuck me, Josh, please.”

 

“What was that, darling?” Josh asks, pulling his fingers out and playing with his hole, knowing it was driving Simon nuts. 

 

“I said, fuck me.” 

 

Josh moans at Simon’s words, quickly he slides on a condom and angles himself. 

 

“Are you ready?” He asks, softly, wanting to be as gentle as possible. 

 

“Yes,” Simon breathes. He moans when he feels Josh push through his walls and finds a steady rhythm. Almost immediately Josh hits his prostate and he cries out again, the feeling too good. He runs his nails down Josh’s back as the older boy thrusts in harder. 

 

“I want you to come first,” Josh says and almost immediately he does, the heat in his belly becoming unbearable for him to keep in. He comes with soft whimpers, his toes curling as he grabs tightly onto Josh’s blue bed sheets. Josh is coming next, a string of curses coming out in a low moan. 

 

Josh pulls out of him and slides the condom off, he then slides up to Simon and places gentle kisses along his torso, Simon sighs into his soft touch as he buries his fingers in Josh’s hair.

 

“I love you,” Josh says quietly into Simon’s chest. 

 

Simon pauses, he has no idea what to say to that. He loves him too but after what he has done to him, the guilt is eating him alive and Simon know that when he inevitably tells him about Phil Josh is going to wish he never said those three poisonous words. 

 

“I—“ 

 

“Shh, you don’t have you don’t have to say anything,” Josh mumbles, placing a few more kisses before cuddling Simon up against his chest. 

 

“So why were planning on spending Christmas with Lewis?” Josh asks him a moment later.

 

Simon hesitates before sharing his personal life. He trusts Josh with his life but he is scared of opening up when he knows that he is just going to have to close himself off after he drops out of school.

 

“She’s not important,” He mumbles and Josh frowns.

 

“You can tell me anything, you know that right?”

 

Simon looks into his sincere eyes and smiles, “Okay.”

 

Josh turns his attention to Simon as he starts talking.

 

“She kicked me out two years ago. She didn’t like that I was into guys or the fact that I liked to party. She chose her boyfriend over me I guess,” Simon shrugs, “So I moved in with Lewis. He’s my only friend, well was my only friend, until I came to Uni.” 

 

“I’m sorry,” Josh says and it’s so simply yet it means to world to him.

 

“Thank you.” 

 

Josh pecks his lips and curls him in closer. Simon inhales deeply, wanting to ink his smell into his skin like a tattoo.

 

Soon enough Josh falls asleep like that, with the blue-eyed boy pressed tightly against his side as if he is scared he will slip through his fingers, but Simon won’t leave this time. 

 

He lay and listens to Josh’s breathing get even, knowing the older boy fell asleep. For Simon, however, he spent the whole night with a knot in his stomach and a hole in his heart. 

 

**XIII: It all comes out in the wash.**

 

When Josh stirs softly next to him Simon greets him with a sad smile. 

 

“Good morning, beautiful,” He says, placing a kiss on Simon’s cheek as he blushes at the nickname.

 

“Merry Christmas,” Simon says, remembering Josh’s card he shoved in his backpack. He walks over and grabs it. 

 

“Here,” He says handing Josh the cheesy envelope, “I couldn’t afford to actually buy you anything so I hope this will suffice.”

 

Josh just smiles at him, “It’s perfect,” He opens the card and reads it before getting up and putting it on his desk. He walks over and gives Simon a slow kiss. 

 

“Should we go downstairs for breakfast?” Simon asks, wanting to avoid Phil as much as possible.

 

“Sure, or we could do something else…” He trails off and Simon raises his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah? Like what?” He leans in closer inhaling the other boy's scent. 

 

“Like maybe we can go see your mum.” Josh trails off, looking at Simon innocently. He pulls away.

 

“What?” Simon asks, if he’s being honest he doesn’t give a shit about what his mum is up to. 

 

“Yeah, we can drive to her house and give her a Christmas card and see how she reacts. Worst case scenario she tells you to go away.” 

 

Simon nods eventually after what happened last night with Josh, he could care less about what his mum has to say. He feels nothing towards her, hell, the only time he feels anything at all is when Josh has his fingers intertwined with his or when he presses lazy kisses to his cheek. 

 

Josh was the warmth and the light and Simon betrayed him. Josh who was too sweet for this world wanted Simon to be happy. 

 

Josh smiles and together they get into his car and Simon is amazed he even remembers her address.

 

+++

 

20 minutes later Simon sucks in a breath as they pull up to his childhood home. Memories come flooding back in painful waves that rock into his chest. 

 

Josh notices him tense up and grabs his hand.

 

“You’ll do great.” He says, placing a kiss on his cheek and handing him the red envelope with the Christmas card inside of it. 

 

Simon nods and swallows his pride as he opens the door to the car and walks up the drive.

 

_Here goes nothing._

 

He knocks three times before his mother finally answers the door. Her face turns into surprise then displeasure.

 

“Simon?” She asks as if she can’t believe it’s really him. 

 

“You’re pregnant?” Simon flinches, seeing the rounded belly of his mother.

 

She looks down and smiles as if she was noticing it for the first time. 

 

“Yes.” 

 

Simon then spots the diamond ring on her finger, “And you married Hank,” He says flatly.

 

“It’s been two years, life goes on.” She says.

 

“Without me,” Simon scoffs.

 

“Did you really come here to argue with me?” She asks just as Hank appears in the doorway.

 

“Well holy fuck Laura, look who it is.” He smirks at him and Simon rolls his eyes.

 

“I just came to say Merry Christmas and to give you this.” He holds out the car and his mother glances at it confused.

 

“Simon honey, I can’t accept this. You made your decision two years ago, we’ve moved on.” His mum shakes her head but Simon doesn’t even flinch. Hank’s eyes travel over his shoulder to Josh sitting in his car.

 

“That your boyfriend?” He asks. 

 

“None of your business,” Simon says back evenly, his mum sighs.

 

“I am due in a month, I don’t want your lifestyle to be around Rosalie.” She grips her stomach.

 

“Rosalie my half-sister.” He states flatly. 

 

“You need to leave, Simon.” His mum says then, giving him a small smile as she closes the door in his face. 

 

Simon climbs back into the car numb. Without thinking he rips the card up and watches as the pieces fall into the floor. Josh looks over at him.

 

“So it didn’t go well?” 

 

Simon shakes his head, tears welling in his eyes, but not from his mum. 

 

“Hey, it’s okay.” Josh says, pulling Simon into him, “Fuck her, she doesn’t deserve you.” 

 

Suddenly Simon is sobbing, gripping onto Josh’s collar, not wanting to let him go. 

 

“You’re going to hate me,” He blubbers, his snot getting all over Josh’s arm. He didn’t know where this overwhelming state of emotion came from, but hearing his mum say she didn’t want him around his sister hit him. His lifestyle, what he was doing, was truly, undeniably, fucked up.

 

“Why would I ever hate you,”

 

Simon doesn’t answer, he can’t breathe. 

 

“Simon,” Josh says stern, his eyes worried. 

 

Simon hiccups and wipes his eyes but the tears keep coming. “I’m so fucking sorry, Josh.”

 

“What are you on about, Si?” He reaches out again but Simon pulls away, taking in a deep breath.

 

“Josh I have something to tell you and you’re never going to forgive me for it.” His heart breaks when he sees something dark flash across Josh’s eyes. Simon wants to freeze this moment and kiss his lips slowly as if time was theirs forever. He wants to hold him and tell that he loves him too because he knows that after what he’s about to tell him he’ll never get the chance to. 

 

“What?” He asks, his defensive guard coming back up and Simon hates it. He hates that Josh feels the need to protect himself around Simon. He never wanted to break him.

 

“Phil.” 

 

Josh just shakes his head, his eyes confused, “What about Phil?”

 

Simon sucks in a shaky breath before his world shatters underneath him, “I have been sleeping with your stepfather for money.” 

 

Josh pauses and looks at Simon for a moment before a laugh escapes his throat

 

Simon shakes his head, “No Josh. He’s been paying my tuition for the past 3 months. I tried to break it off with him but he wouldn’t let me. I wanted to stop seeing him after I met you but he threatened me and he beat me and…” His chest feels like it’s caving in. “And I didn’t know he was your stepdad until last night at dinner. I didn’t know, Josh I swear.”

 

Simon looks up at Josh’s empty eyes.

 

“Please say something.” 

 

“He gave you the bruises?” He mumbles, so quietly Simon can barely hear him. “He left the marks and… and” 

 

Simon just nods and grabs his arm and sighs in relief when Josh doesn’t pull away. 

 

Suddenly the car is in drive and is speeding down the road, “Josh…” Simon says, looking out the window at the trees passing at a rapid pace. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me as soon as you found out?!” Josh shouts at him angrily. Simon flinches.

 

“I didn’t know what to say and last night with you was so nice. I was planning on ending it and leaving school but then you took me to see my mum and you said you loved me and…”

 

“I’m going to kill him,” Josh says then and in that moment Simon believes him.

 

“Just wait Josh, we can figure something out.”

 

“No, no we can’t, I’m going to kill that motherfucker and bury him and believe me no one would ever miss him.”

 

Josh is going faster now, his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turn white.

 

“Josh, slow down,” Simon says, gripping his seatbelt. 

 

“I said fucking slow down!” Simon screams. Suddenly Josh slams on the break and they fling forward. He pulls over to the side of the road and puts the car in park. 

 

Suddenly Josh is crying, no sobbing, holding his head in his hands and it’s the first time Simon has seen him cry.

 

“Josh.”

 

“I’m so sorry Simon.”

 

“Why are you apologizing?”

 

“I didn’t care enough. I watched you not eat and almost fail your classes. I watched you have panic attacks and when you showed me your body last night for the first time, I shouldn’t have had sex with you last night, I was being selfish.” 

 

“Hey,” Simon soothes, “Please don’t say last night was a mistake. Please.”

 

“I can’t believe I let him do this to you,” He shakes his head, “I’m awful”

 

Simon doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to do anymore, the only thing that is keeping him going right now is the fact that Josh didn’t tell him to leave. 

 

“I’m angry Simon, I’m so fucking angry. He broke you, can’t you see that?”

 

Simon just nods, a faint whisper coming out of his mouth, “I’m still here though.” 

 

“I know what we have to do,” Josh says suddenly, grabbing Simon’s hand in his. 

 

“What?”

 

Without saying anything Josh puts the car in drive and suddenly they are back on the road. 

 

Soon they are pulling back into Josh’s mansion.

 

“No Josh, we are not confronting him about it, not on Christmas.” Simon is struggling to keep up with Josh’s long strides. 

 

“Fuck Christmas.” 

 

“Please think about what you are doing!” Simon shouts, grabbing his arm and spinning Josh around to face him.

 

“I’m telling my mum,” He says, his jaw locked and eyes still red from crying. “She will know what to do.” 

 

Simon sighs in relief that he wasn’t planning on doing anything stupid, “She is going to hate me for ruining her marriage.”

 

Josh shakes his head, “You didn’t do anything.” 

 

With that they walk into the house, the door echoing along the high ceilings.

 

“Joshua?” Simon hears his mother call from the dining area. They walk in to see her sitting alone drinking a cup of tea, her tablet layed out in front of her.

 

“Where’s Phil?” Josh demands when they get close enough to her.

 

“He had a business meeting to attend,” She rolls her eyes slightly. Simon feels a flicker of hope.

 

“Mum, you need to listen to me,” Josh says sitting next to her grabbing her hand, “And you are not going to like it but please.” 

 

She sets her cup down and turns off her tablet, turning to Josh and smiling, “Of course darling,” She says running her hand through his dark hair. Simon can only imagine what Josh’s real dad looked like before he passed. With his mother being as beautiful as she is, Simon bets they were a beautiful family. 

 

“Simon take your shirt off.” He says then. His mum’s eyes grow wide and confused.

 

“Joshua, honey what are you—“

 

Simon listens then because he trusts Josh. He slides his shirt off and lets it fall to the floor. His mum’s eyes take in his body and she frowns.

 

“Did you get into an accident?” She asks turning to Josh, “Did you crash your car?”

 

Josh shakes his head, “No mum, Phil did this.” 

 

His mother laughs then, “What are you talking about?” 

 

“Simon,” Josh motions as a pit forms in Simon’s stomach.

 

“Mrs. Bradley, I am so sorry,” He says as a tear slips past, he brushes it away.

 

“Okay boys, I am serious, what is going on here.” She says sternly. 

 

“I have been sleeping with your husband so he would pay for my tuition.” 

 

She freezes then, her eyes searching Simon’s face, for what, he doesn’t know.

 

“That’s where my checks have been going?” She asks then, her face growing red. “They’re for the school board,” She mimics, her eyes suddenly land on Simon and pushes herself up.

 

“Are you being serious with me right now?” 

 

“Ye-yes, I have text messages to prove it,” He says pulling out his phone and handing it to her. 

 

She starts reading through the messages as she places a hand over her mouth, “My god.” She moans. Before Simon knows what’s happening she is hugging him. Confusion takes hold of him as he looks up and sees Josh smiling at him. He didn’t know what it was like for someone to be on his side. He thought she would get angry and kick him out, just like his own mum did. He was beginning to realize not all people were bad in the world. 

 

“You’re just a child,” She shakes her head, brushing away the tears from her eyes as she hugs him again.

 

“Document your bruises, this is going to end right now.” With that she storms away cell phone in hand, already making calls. 

 

Simon stands there speechless.

 

Josh walks over and envelops him in a hug, snuggling his face in Simon’s neck.

 

“I told you I knew what to do.” 

 

Simon pulls away, “How did you know she was going to side with me?”

 

“Because she knows I care about you, plus it’s about time she figures out what a lying asshole Phil is.” He says it simply. 

 

“I just, don’t know what to say.,”

 

“Then don’t say anything and kiss me.” 

 

Simon smiles at that and pulls him in, kissing him as fireworks go off inside of him.

 

**XIV: The End.**

 

It feels surreal to Simon that this nightmare is ending, he didn’t think there was a way out for him. 

 

A year later he was back at Uni, Josh’s mum doing everything in her power to keep him there. Phil was, well…  Simon had no idea where Phil was, all Simon knew is that after Alice threatened to expose him, he vanished, never contacting Simon or Josh again. 

 

Josh and his mum moved right after to a smaller, but still beautiful apartment in downtown London. It was quite a drive for Josh to visit his mum but he didn’t mind because Simon was usually right along with him, He feels accepted and loved when he is with Josh and his family. He even ended up meeting his cousins and aunts over the summer as well. 

 

He assumes his mum had her baby and he debates going to see her again. Right now, however, he is focusing on himself. 

 

Him and Ethan are back rooming together for a second year as if nothing has changed. Simon knew he would tell him one day.

 

Lewis cried when he saw Simon had gained almost all his weight back that he lost. Harry had a new boyfriend and seemed more than happy.

 

And finally, there was Josh, who officially called Simon his boyfriend and held his hand in public. Every time he looks at the other boy his heart fills his chest. Josh, his Josh.

 

It was a long process and it took Simon many therapy sessions to get over the events of the past year but he is growing stronger every day, but he knows not all people are as lucky as he is. 

 

Some days he wakes up and panic floods his bones as he waits for Phil to text him and Friday nights he still waits up for the call that no longer comes. 

 

But right now Simon isn’t thinking about that. 

 

Because right now it’s Saturday night and Josh has his head in his lap and he’s laughing as he shows Simon a funny video. 

 

Because right now it’s Sunday morning and Josh is crawling into bed with a cup of tea for him.

 

Because right now it’s Friday night and Simon is out with his friends laughing as Josh plants lazy kisses along his cheek. 

 

Because every day he closes his eyes and thinks about his lucky he is to have Josh in his life…the boy who saved his life. 

 

 

 

 


End file.
